• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Mindful Living & Parenting

with Viki de Lieme

  • Home
  • About
  • Membership
  • Services
  • Books and Workbooks
  • Video Library
  • Contact
What to Do When Your Child “Loses It”?

What to Do When Your Child “Loses It”?

17/04/2020 | Empowering Parents

You know those explosive moments before they go to sleep, before you have to leave the house, or at the mall, when your child loses it? That tender moment when you stress out (for a very good reason) and are willing to do anything to make it stop?

What most of us usually do is snap. We yell. Threaten to leave. Send the kid to his room. Does it help them to cool down? Relax? Does it teach them anything? Usually, it won’t. Does it make you feel any better? Usually, it doesn’t.

In life before COVID-19 these moments were just that – moments. Now, in quarantine, most of us lose it multiple times a day, every day, and the children are way more sensitive and much needier than they usually are. Living in lock-down is basically like living under a magnifying glass. All the things that trigger our anger seem to happen more and more, and our reactions are less and less what we want them to be. Admittedly, the less connected we are to our reaction, the less likely we are to make any good in the situation.

What’s Going On?

Living in lock-down (check out my six sanity saving tips right here) and under constant threat undermines so many of our existential needs; freedom, movement, autonomy, choice, connection, space, clarity, safety, and security are just a few of these needs. When our needs are not met, our brain goes into survival mode, and when we’re in survival mode – attacking is our “natural” choice. And we are adults. We’re supposed to have the tools to manage these situations, yet we seem to snap all the time. So how about the kids? They’re experiencing this 100 times worse, and they don’t have the tools to cope. So they snap. They lose it. They break down. And they do that many times a day.

To add to your confusion from the sudden change in your children’s behavior, you now need to collect everything that you, yourself, don’t have to handle their behavior and big feelings. This is tough. Really tough.

These days, when most of us are locked-down with the kids, seems like we get increasingly more angry, fight more, punish more, yell more, and all of this is not really changing anything. If anything, the next days will almost always be even worse. This is what's really happening, why, and what you can do about it #parenting #coronaviruslife #quarantine #lock-downlife #nvc #peacefulparenting #attachmentparenting

So Why Does It Happen Again and Again?

It happens again and again, and we all lose it again and again because, just like everyone else around us, we hope that this time it would work. This time there will be a difference. This time, and “if I only yell a bit louder, or double the punishment, they will finally hear me.”

But remember that Einstein quote, “we can’t expect to see different results if we keep doing the same thing”?

Why Doesn’t it Work?

When we look at the situation from the outside, it’s clear to us that our children are spiraling through unpleasant experiences, and from pure love, we want to help them get to a better place. But we’re so stressed ourselves, that we, too, fall back to everything that we know, those “fast” solutions that don’t solve anything. We’re so stressed out that we can’t see them, what’s happening within their hearts and souls, and we can’t see ourselves, and what’s happening within us. When we address the behavior without addressing its root cause – we’re only making it worse. 

This is the paradox that is traditional discipline. Those explosive moments when we feel that nothing but a fiercer display of power will help, are the most tender and vulnerable moments when we can make a difference if we’ll start using other tools.

The Secret

Recall a painful moment from your childhood, whether you were five or sixteen (it doesn’t matter), and you wanted something you couldn’t get or wanted to do something that you couldn’t do. And you expressed your (rightfully) big feelings about it. What did your parents do? Did they “punish” you for having these feelings? Did they send you away or disconnected from you in any other way, when all you wanted was for someone to see you, to understand you, to want to understand you?

There’s intense loneliness in these moments when we feel completely and utterly alone in our experience, and now, in lock-down, this is one million times stronger.

This is where empathy comes in. This is where you find all the strength you don’t think you have and take a step into your child’s experience. Name their feelings and needs and help them understand why they feel the way that they are feeling. Because they don’t know, they, too, are blinded by the intensity of their emotions right now. And they are lonely. So lonely. But you are there for them, and you can help them out of this emotional tunnel. And you know what? Helping them will help you, too 🙂 This is a win-win situation.

The less you will “lose it” when faced with your children’s “losing it” experiences – the more connected you will grow, and the less you will all lose it. Because you will be there for them, contain their feelings, see them, understand them, help them cope, give them new tools, just like you wanted when you were a child.

Under this magnifying glass that increases all our feelings and behaviors, is the best time to make a change, to be together, to connect. I will name this change for you – it is Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a method that is already helping dozens and thousands of families all over the world.

NVC allows us to stay connected and centered, focused on our needs and feelings so that we can remain calm when waves of anger and frustration approach the shores of our lives. NVC empowers us to make different choices, connecting choices that allow us the power of unity not only now but for years to come.

In Island of Peace, my membership group, I teach members how to open their heart and unlock the doors to empathy, to allow real connections, improve family life, and experience more patience, love, and calm. Join us here 🙂 

You can also join my free life and parenting support group on Facebook and tell me what you’re going through.

Hope to meet you soon 🙂

If you feel that you need immediate help – book a free 15 minute call with me to discuss anything urgent. I’m here for you. 

Subscribe to my YouTube channel to lean more about NVC parenting! 

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

  • Facebook
  • Pinterest
  • YouTube

Are YOU Ready to Restart Your Parenting?

Nice to meet you :)

 

Are you ready to transform your life, and your parenting? Are you ready to put down the fear, the guilt, and the shame, and start parenting from the heart?

Click here and book your call.

Get My Book

Copyright © 2021 · Viki de Lieme · Designed by Bella Creative Studio

I use cookies to better your experience using this website. Opt-out if you wish. Accept Read More
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non-necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.