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From Birth To Adolescence: A Straightforward Method To Not Spoil A Child

From Birth To Adolescence: A Straightforward Method To Not Spoil A Child

01/06/2019 | Children's Behavior, Children's Big Feelings, Empowering Parents

Did you know that children ARE BORN with the qualities we wish to see in them as they grow up? Spoiling a child is about ruining his natural tendencies, not about buying him that new toy.  

No, I am not saying that the new toy discussion is not valid, but I am saying that it is one of the minor parental worries. How not to spoil a child? The answer is at the very bottom of this article, but if you just scroll through, you might not get it.

Personal Qualities Determine Survival

Humberto Maturana, one of my favorite philosophers and researches, is a biologist who spent the majority of his life researching the biology of love, connection, and cooperation between human beings. One of Maturana’s first assumptions was that human beings are born trusting; otherwise surviving the experience of complete dependence and the lack of ability to aid the self that all newborns face in the first months of their lives, would be impossible.

Not knowing we would be taken care of will remove the drive to survive in no time.

Not spoiling your child is easy - if you follow this simple and intuitive method #parenting #smartparents #peacefulparenting #naturalparenting #parentingtips #motherhood #attachmentparenting #mindfulparenting #mindfulness

Survival is our most active and most influential instinct, no matter how modern we think we are. So, when I use the words “spoil a child” I mean it as in spoiling milk or meat by living it out of its natural environment (AKA – the fridge): diminishing or destroying its characters and qualities.

From #Birth To #Adolescence: A Straightforward Method To Not Spoil A Child #mindfulness #mindfulparenting #parenting #spoiledchild #parentinghelp #attachmentparenting

Are We Born Perfect?

No, because perfection is unattainable; but we are born with all the qualities that help us become active and appreciated individuals in society, the qualities that make us likable to those around us and help us to connect to those around us.

Because otherwise, we will not survive.

Belonging, affection, communication, inclusion, mutuality, nurturing, meaning and support are all components of the NEED for connection which is an existential need, just like food and water – and this was scientifically proven (comment below if you want some research links).

Since being a part of a group is a NEED we all share, because we NEED to know that we belong and we are protected, we must obtain the qualities that will allow us to be just that – valued individuals.

Which Qualities Are We Born With?

We are born TRUSTING; otherwise, we wouldn’t have the drive to survive

We are born CONFIDENT in our abilities; otherwise, we would never develop.

We are born COURAGEOUS; otherwise, we would never take that first step.  

We are born CREATIVE; otherwise, we would never try to create.  

We are born CURIOUS; otherwise, we would never learn.

We are born COOPERATIVE, CONTRIBUTIVE, CONSIDERATE, and COMPASSIONATE because, without those qualities, we can not be a valued, and thus celebrated and protected part of society. And without being such – we would not survive.

We are born POSITIVE and HOPEFUL; otherwise, the first dark moment would hinder our survival.

And How About Your Child?

Did you notice how sensitive your child is to the well-being of his friends? How worried he is when you are not feeling too well?

Did you notice his natural tendency for order, even though it is his own order?

Did you notice how imaginative your child is, and how everything quickly turns into the most fantastic story?

Did you ever notice how enthusiastic he is about something new that he wishes to learn?

Did you notice how PRESENT your child is, how he concentrates on the task at hand?

Did you notice how expressive your child is and how eager he is to share his truth?

Did you notice how shameless and fearless he is about his mistakes?

Did you notice how unconditional your child’s love is?   

Did you notice how eager he is for your smile? For your kind words, and your warm embrace?

 

So How Does One Spoil A Child?

Modernity teaches parents that all of the above are qualities that have to be taught; that parents are the ones who need to be actively teaching these qualities. It is, however, the other way around.

Children are born with these qualities, it is us, adults, that spoil these qualities with our “adult learning.”  

We Turn Attentiveness to Neglect

You see, children are born attentive to their physical needs, but we insist they are cold when they say that they aren’t, and we insist that they eat more even though they’ve said they had enough. This is how we teach children to neglect their inner voices.

We Turn Sensitivity to Indifference

Children are born sensitive to others, but we insist they show love, care, and connection to those they are not connected to, and at times that don’t suit them, and we teach them to not listen to their hearts.

We Turn Order into Chaos

Children are born with their need for order, but we insist on teaching them the systems to our order, and we make it into a must. This is how we teach them to neglect their natural sense of order and turn it into a fight.

We Turn Curiosity into Disinterest

Children are born eager to learn and improve in a variety of fields, but we insist on the areas and the subjects they should pursue, and we extinguish their inner fire. We tell them how, when, what, and why they should learn until learning becomes something extremely undesirable.

We Turn Mindfulness into Dullness

Children are born with the astonishing ability to be present with emotions, needs, interests, and affections, but for us, it is never the right time, the right mood, or the right topic. So we send them away, upon their emotions, and we teach them that their feelings are only worthy of our love when we find these emotions pleasant.

We Turn Self-Expression into Silence

Children are born NEEDING the truth, needing the authentic self-expression, and they follow these needs. But only until we tell them that their truth is not worthy of sharing.    

We Turn Courage and Resilience into Shame and Fear

Children are born with the incredible ability to move on from their mistakes and use their mistakes as tools for growth, learning, and improvement. But we use their mistakes to shame, guilt and fear them about unlikely consequences. This is how we teach kids that sometimes they shouldn’t even try.

We Turn Unconditional Love into Conditional and Dependent

Children are born unconditionally loving; they love us on our best days as much as they love us on our worst days. They love us when we show them love, and they love us when we disconnect. Children’s love is the epitome of unconditional love, and it is us, upon our “adult knowledge,” who disconnect, judge, label, and teach kids that unconditional love doesn’t really exist.

We spoil children when we don’t let them talk, we spoil children when we don’t listen. We spoil children when we insist that we are the ones teaching them, rather than being humble and letting them teach us.

Don’t we all want to see the world and to live life through the eyes and the heart of a child? Don’t we wish to unlearn at least some of these painful lessons that we’ve learned? I know we do; most of us do. So why is it that we talk so much, and listen so little?

How To Not Spoil A Child?

It is actually straightforward: let the child be. From his very first day. Be there to support him through his life, but remember the journey is his, it isn’t yours. And listen. Listen ALL THE TIME. Each word matters.

Teach him to recognize what he really needs, and he will not feel the need to scream for what he wants. Because those kids who feel seen, heard, accepted, and celebrated for who they are don’t need much more than that.

Want to talk about it? Join my parenting support group on Facebook, I’d love to meet you 🙂

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Cendu says

    03/06/2019 at 6:56 pm

    I found this really eye opening. We really don’t give our little people credit , do we? We assume they don’t know what they need or want but what better way to build thier own intuition than listening to it?

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      04/06/2019 at 10:17 am

      I couldn’t agree more 🙂

      Reply
  2. Marcos K.. says

    04/06/2019 at 2:32 pm

    Great read! I do share most of what you have established in this post and I hope I can go through with it.

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      05/06/2019 at 8:56 am

      So do I 🙂

      Reply
  3. Pool Operator Talk says

    04/06/2019 at 4:38 pm

    So, we get perfectly good little human beings and then we ruin them?

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      05/06/2019 at 8:55 am

      No, that’s not what I’ve said. But we do tend to focus way too much on our own perspective and to an extent neglect what each person is born with.

      Reply
  4. Neil Alvin says

    04/06/2019 at 5:22 pm

    Great insight. I have a 7 year old daughter and I think your article would be of great help to me. 🙂

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      05/06/2019 at 8:54 am

      I hope so, too 🙂

      Reply
  5. Hoang Vi Fessenden says

    05/06/2019 at 1:08 am

    This is so true! I love it, thanks for sharing!

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      05/06/2019 at 8:54 am

      Thank you 🙂

      Reply
  6. Sandra says

    05/06/2019 at 2:41 am

    I love this perspective. Thank you for sharing it.

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      05/06/2019 at 8:54 am

      Thank you for loving it 🙂 It means more than you know 🙂

      Reply
  7. Yonnah M says

    05/06/2019 at 8:23 am

    I love this post. Some kids can seem so pure. I’ve hated seeing them getting discouraged by those who are supposed to help them grow.

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      05/06/2019 at 8:53 am

      I know how you feel…

      Reply
  8. Hackytips says

    05/06/2019 at 11:01 am

    It’s very easy to spoil kids but difficult to make them understand. But once they understand then they will remember it for the lifetime.

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      05/06/2019 at 1:08 pm

      I’m not sure “spoiling” means the same for both of us. If you’d like to say more about what you’ve meant here, please do 🙂

      Reply
  9. Ivan Jose says

    05/06/2019 at 4:01 pm

    This is really interesting and quite intriguing. I hope I am doing the right thing for my boy.

    Reply
  10. Maysz says

    06/06/2019 at 5:36 am

    I’m not a parent yet but I really love this kind of perspective I think all parents should read this article!

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      06/06/2019 at 11:24 am

      Thank you 🙂

      Reply
  11. Shanab says

    06/06/2019 at 4:53 pm

    I never thought about spoiling a child in the context before. Mainly thought of it in terms of material possessions but there is alot of truth here.

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      07/06/2019 at 8:33 am

      I’m happy I could help you see it in a different light 🙂

      Reply
  12. Mimi says

    06/06/2019 at 6:19 pm

    This is such a great reminder when raising children. Its too easy to do everything and spoil them but it harms them in the long run. Great post!

    Reply
  13. Nursery rhymes girl says

    07/06/2019 at 1:52 am

    I agree 🙂
    My mom always did it right. 🙂 I really enjoy reading your blog as a regular reader.I wanted to write to you before a few days. I’ve faced some of the difficulties, so couldn’t. Leave it ? Here I am ? Thanks for sharing things with us ? Happy blogging 🙂

    Reply
  14. Ashley says

    08/06/2019 at 5:28 pm

    Very interesting article! It’s a good idea to let children be who they are!

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      09/06/2019 at 5:10 pm

      I think so, too ❤️

      Reply
  15. Quin says

    11/06/2019 at 1:53 pm

    I know the discussion to spoil a child or not is already common and even though I am not yet a parent, I understand the difficulties of being one. That’s why, it is really important to listen to the child, and like you said ”Teach him to recognize what he really needs”.

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      12/06/2019 at 9:09 am

      Delighted to learn that people who are not yet parents are reading me too 🙂

      Reply
  16. Holli says

    11/06/2019 at 11:14 pm

    I LOVED this. I never saw “spolied” in this way. It helped me open my eyes a bit. I am pretty good at doing most of your suggestions but it’s always great to read about how we can help support our children!

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      12/06/2019 at 9:08 am

      I’m so happy to read you say this 🙂

      Reply
  17. Jerri says

    12/06/2019 at 4:48 am

    Great article! This has always been an ongoing debate about whether you spoil children by giving them things.

    Reply
    • Viki de Lieme says

      12/06/2019 at 9:08 am

      I’m glad you liked it 🙂

      Reply

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