We often correct our children’s behavior by making them feel bad (shaming, punishments, time outs) – this doesn’t work in the long run. Here’s what does work.
Until our little ones are approximately 1 year old, 100% of our communication with them meets our mutual needs for connection, because, let’s be honest – there isn’t a real need for anything else. They don’t yet talk, or walk, or do anything that might sabotage our needs (except for that sleeping thing, but oh well). We tell them about the world, about ourselves, about them, and everything we say has to do with love.
But then – they become active. They become mobile. They become verbal. And our language changes in a heartbeat. No. Don’t. Stop. Don’t touch that. Don’t go there. This isn’t for you. You’re too small to do that. You can’t get there. Not now. No. No. No.
The problem is, that babies and toddlers don’t differentiate between themselves and their actions, that is how attuned they are to their needs and feelings. They need, they feel, they act. When we say “no” – we negate the very core of their being. This is the extent to which “no” affects them. This is as early as all of us are (unwillingly) pulled into the social paradigm of good/bad. And we constantly want to be “good” for the ones we are connected to, because otherwise – their connection to us is under threat.
I read somewhere that after the age of one, 90% of what children hear from their parents is negative. What a contrast to a 100% of love, isn’t it?
The Nature of Correction
The premise to correction is the idea of “right” and “wrong”; however, it holds another premise according to which “I know better than you and it is my job to teach you how to be better”. Nonviolent Communication teaches us that right and wrong don’t really exist, and they definitely should not exist when the price we pay for them is the price of relationship.
When we correct a child, what we are really telling her are the following statements:
- You are wrong
- I am right
- Here’s how you can be more like me
Or:
- You are wrong
- I am right
- Agree with me or (anything that leads the child to agreeing out of fear, guilt, or shame)
How does this make you feel?
Why do We Feel We Need to Correct Our Children?
The answer to this is both simple and sad: it is because we were, ourselves, taught that being a grown up means we know better than anyone who is younger. It is because we were taught that as parents, our job is to “fix”; following this, we see most things as “broken”.
I once met an amazing mother whose son had an incredible ability – whenever he’d approach a puzzle, he would spread out the pieces all over the flower, stand in the middle of all it and look at it from above. After a few minutes he’d kneel down and just put all pieces in their right place. When they first saw him do that, they felt it was wrong. “This is not the right way to solve a puzzle” they said. They wanted to help him, they wanted to correct his approach. Thank God he didn’t listen. Can you imagine what an incredible ability he might have lost?
Not everything that is done differently, needs to be done the way we do it.
The Cost of Correcting a Child
I wrote about it in a previous article on how to build a strong attachment, but this story fits here perfectly. When I was little, I had a short phase (soon you’ll see why) in which I really wanted to help my mother, so I started hanging the laundry out to dry. Not once did I do a good enough job. The socks weren’t properly straightened out, the shirts weren’t shaken out to a pleasing extent, and whatnot. Guess what – not only that I stopped with the laundry as a way of helping my mom, but additionally – this is a chore I dislike until this very day.
Believing she is teaching me useful skills, she corrected and corrected to the point there was nothing left to correct, because the little me decided that if she is the only one who does it right, she might as well do it herself.
Attachment through Sameness
Although not taken from Nonviolent Communication but from the Attachment Theory, sameness is one of the six ways in which children connect, it is an existential need (!) without which we wouldn’t survive. Sameness is the reason for which we learn how to talk, and how to walk. It is the reason for which we mimic what we see our parents doing, it the reason for which modeling, rather than correcting is the best thing we can possibly do for our children.
When we correct – we distance. When we are correct, it is as if we say “you are not like me, here is how you can be more like me”. Instead of “you are not like me and this is wonderful – show me how I can be more like you” or “this is awesome! Let’s see if we can do it even better together!”.
Children Need Constant Correction
No. They don’t. What children do need is constant connection. Connection is the best, if not only, positive source of motivation and it is, most definitely, the best reason to do things in this world. When we operate out of love, out of our inherent need to make ourselves and those around us happy, our actions are devoted to just that – making everyone happy.
When we operate out of fear, guilt, or shame – we meet the need of our loved ones in distance, growing resentment, anger, and frustration. This always comes with a price, because like all beneficial needs and feelings – painful needs and feelings need to surface, too.
So how Can You Correct a Child?
When we feel the need to “correct” our children – one of three things are actually happening:
- Our little one had lost connection and doesn’t know how to regain it; she is acting out of a connection void
- Our little one just did something in order to meet her own needs – and we don’t think this is something she should be doing.
- Our little one did something to meet our needs, but it didn’t quite work out
Correcting the Lost Connection
In the first scenario (which is a typical “terrible two” kind of thing), connection is the first and only beneficial response. Validation of feelings, offering of compassion and empathy, a place to vent or a place to cuddle. Whatever those little ones need to know that they are loved EVEN WHEN their behavior is not accepted, EVEN WHEN they are harder to be around. The more we practice this sort of responses, the less hard feelings our little ones will feel. Anger, resentment, and frustration are all wake up calls for unmet needs – the more emotional needs we meet – the less these feelings will control our lives and relationships.
Correcting Actions Meant to Meet Child’s Needs
The second scenario, which starts as early as those little ones start doing things, and never really ends, has a million connecting options that will also, as by product, lead to “correction” of behavior:
- She’s trying to reach something she cannot touch? “Wow you’re so persistent! Here, you can have this”
- She’s trying go somewhere she can’t go? “Oh my! You are so fast! Let’s run in that direction and see who gets there first!”
Either way, always say something positive! It is much easier than you think. Let me know in the comments below or join my parenting support group on Facebook if you want more examples.
Correcting Actions Meant to Meet Your Needs
And for the third scenario it is very simple: never ever correct.
Making their loved ones happy is an existential need that we all, as parents, want to preserve in our children. And our children are constantly trying to make us happy – everything they do they do to meet their needs, and our happiness is their need.
I’ll give you an example: as soon as my little one started walking, bring his dad and me water was one of his favorite things, god knows why 🙂 In the first months, by the time he had gotten to any one of us with a glass of water, water was all over the house and there was nothing left in the glass.
So what? It is not about the result – it is about the intention. Today it is enough for me to quietly mutter that I’m thirsty and 3 second later I get a toddler who is thrilled he could help his mother out. From the very first day we made him feel capable, important and trustworthy – and this is what he grew into.
Some Actionable Tips
I’m not saying that 100% of the language we speak can be connection language (or can it?), what I am saying that we must increase the presence of connection in the language we speak. And there’s no limit to it – the more we connect IS the less we correct.
- Always connect before you communicate (come closer, make eye contact, hug)
- Remember that your child never does anything AGAINST you, she is only doing whatever she does to meet HER OWN needs
- Always use positive language
- Avoid “you’re too small”, “too little”, “too young”, “too short”, “you can’t”
- Let your happiness show! “Wow! You made it! Now let’s climb down”!, “Wow, you’re so thoughtful! Thank you so much!”, “you are so curious! I have a great idea – let’s take a look at…”
- Celebrate your children’s being – they will celebrate their being in turn! Happy kids are less likely to resist – because, simply – they don’t need to.
- Forget about right and wrong – there’s no such thing (challenge me in the comments if you’d like)
- Only concentrate on connection (what I am about to do, does it breed love? Or does it negate and hurt? Is the price really worth it?)
- Remember it is never about today’s toddler – it is always about the future adult
- Remember that obedient, respectful, quiet, and easy to handle are qualities we would never use to describe an adult we look up to. So let’s not seek this in our children 🙂
I started writing this article after offering a weekly mindful parenting practice in my Facebook group – join here if you want to see how this concept is practiced in real life 🙂
Great article, as parents we walk a fine line between discipline and understanding. New parents can learn a lot from this. Thanks for sharing.
Viki this is spot on! 100% applicable for all humans – and animals – from 1 to 101 LOL. Connect. Be compassionate. Teach with love. Leave corrections for those teaching from an energy of fear.
This comment is spot on! thanks Ryan 🙂
Thanks for the great article..I am in need of some consistensy and good tactics with my almost three year old third kid! I’m sure you have heard this..but I deeply respect many..respectful, quiet adults. I’m actually one of them, friends have told me my quiet strength is one of my best qualities.
Hi Melinda 🙂 Are you saying that you would like to see more of your qualities in your three year old and you are looking for strategies to influence his behavior?
Your tips are very helpful but I don’t agree with some of your ideals like “When we say “no” – we negate the very core of their being” and “right and wrong don’t really exist”. I know many people who do not correct their children and wake up to teenagers that lie and steal.
I understand your belief in connection because that’s what I believe also. My son (who is 38 years old) knew that we had a connection which meant he was able to understand loving correction. We spent hundreds of hours talking from the time he was little until he went to college. We are very close and he has always known I love him.
I would never want to “challenge” you because you are giving some good advice, but I did find myself feeling combative by the end of the post because I didn’t find any way to connect with you. Thank you for your work in advising parents about how to love and connect. I think it’s a great thing.
Hi Sheila, thank you so much for taking the time to comment and to challenge me – I did request it, didn’t I? 🙂 I’ll need to break my reply to be consistent with the points you’ve raised:
This post is not about law breaking behaviors and I’ll edit to make that part clear.
Teenagers who lie and steal do so from an immense variety of reasons – not being corrected is, in most cases, not one of them.
Surely – when a child steals she MUST be told that is something that we cannot do. When the stealing persists, it’s a clear sign that it meets some underline needs that are not otherwise met. Even if correction will work here – a different behavior meant to address those needs will soon pop up; so again – we haven’t solved a thing.
Lies are meant to cover up fear: if we won’t address the feared issue, correction won’t help. It will lead to more fear (and guilt, and shame) that will, in turn, lead to more lies.
When we address a visible behavior – we neglect the need it stems from. This strategy might work for that very moment, but it won’t change the pattern. If anything – it will deepen it.
I hope this makes it more clear 🙂 Let me know if you have any further questions, and again – thanks for this challenge 🙂
I felt the same way, ironically, it came across as another there is only one right way to parent articles and felt budget.
Hi Sheila, thank you for sharing how this made you feel. I will make sure to go over the content and see where I can edit it to not come across the way you perceived it. As I’m sure you know, when we feel very strongly about something, we might make it sound like the only valid method. This isn’t my intent. Thank you for this comment.
What a relatable and interesting article. Thank you for giving me a different perspective.
Thank you for reading! This is all I ever wished for 🙂
I like the ideas you’ve raised but I really don’t see how it’s applicable all the time. How would you deal with a 23 month old biting her five month old brothers fingers? He would not stop screaming for 10 minutes and now has a bruise. She did it again the next day too so obviously my method of yelling her doesn’t work! I only left them alone together for 30 seconds to get the baby a bottle.
Hi Sam! You’ve raised a very important question – it is not possible 100% of the time. It can’t be – we, parents, are people, too. And we have feelings, too. And sometimes raising our voices is the only accessible option. However, parenting (and any other life experience) is not measured by a single instance, it’s measured as a whole, upon everything it encompasses and teaches. From the little you’ve written here I can assume there was a deterioration in your older child’s behavior since the little one was born, which is exactly what’s expected at this age and setting. She fears for her connection with you and only hearts the little one because she, herself, is hurting. Surely – yelling doesn’t help. The best way to go with it (with it and not against it – as we can’t change anyone’s feelings) is to validate how she feels, actively work to raise new emotions within her, and giving her new strategies to venting her unpleasant experience. I would be very happy to help – feel free to email me at viki@parentsenlight.com and we’ll make it all better. Sending all of you love and compassion 🙂
Hi Viki,
This is a great post you have here. I have truly learnt a lot as a mom of 3 awesome kids. I have recently decided to do less correcting and love my kids more. So this post is what I needed.
Thank you
Thank you Grace! I’m so happy you enjoyed it 🙂
Hi Viki-
I feel like I speak from a negative place too much with my 8 yo and 6 yo. I’m constantly telling them to do it this way, don’t do that, etc.
But they both definitely have a certain way of doing things. I need to be more cognizant of this. I can definitely learn new and easier ways if I could just let them do it the way they want.
Sometimes I’m just so afraid that they’ll get hurt or break something that I’m definitely holding them back.
I am going to print your article to remind me to just breathe and let them be!
Thank you so much for writing it.
Hi Melissa, worrying for our children and their future is probably the most natural feeling we have. I mean, it’s our job, isn’t it? It’s just that sometimes our worries get the best of us and end up having a price on our relationship with these little ones who we love most. There are more than a few positive strategies to have your needs met WHILE meeting the needs of your children. I’d be happy to help you find these strategies 🙂 Contact me at viki@parentsenlight.com if you’d like. Sending you all love 🙂
My concern is that a child may take advantage of having such a “loving” relationship. Some children actually know what they are doing, they know that what they are doing is wrong. We teach them many times what is safe behavior and what isn’t, and they still engage in hitting, kicking, cursing etc. How do we deal with such extreme behaviors through making loving connections? I am afraid of getting walked over and having someone get hurt if I don’t implement consequences to a child’s actions especially if they are extreme and literally “wrong”. Some behaviors do have to be corrected. How specifically can I do that? I think I am misunderstanding this article. Please help me!
Hi Theodore, great question 🙂 You see, “taking advantage” is something that adults do; it’s an adult way of thinking that doesn’t apply to young children. True, kids do learn to “take advantage”, but it’s something they learn – not something they are born with. Human beings are BORN with the need for connection – kids who grow up with a strong sense of connection, who know that there’s nothing they can do to lose it – are less likely to engage in activities that might jeopardize that connection. Hitting, kicking, and cursing require correction, obviously. When that correction is drenched in fear, guilt, and shame the results of it won’t last long and will, in the long run, result in more hitting, kicking, and cursing. When this correction aims to correct by “activating” the child’s inner, positive, motivation – it will stay there for good and benefit the child for a lifetime. I hope this makes sense 🙂
Yes that does make some sense. To be honest I am not a parent I am a substitute teacher and have been working with a certain child that I have only met twice, and I don’t know his full situation. Perhaps I have been focusing too much on the child’s actions and not the underlying causes of the behaviors. As a substitute teacher it is difficult to make strong connections because you are always on the move, but I am still expected to have control of whatever classroom I am in, which is extremely difficult, especially given that not all schools have the same methods or philosophies when it comes to behavior management. Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it.
Hi Theodore,
I see. Let me offer you something else rather than the regular “discipline” methods: next time you see this boy, drop all ideas of “control” and show him only empathy and compassion. When you speak to him – disregard his behavior and address the underlying needs instead. When he is acting out, don’t tell him to stop or how he should be acting, instead tell him something like “wow, you are having a really difficult time, are you? Can you tell me what you need now? What I can do to make it easier on you?”. Perhaps it won’t “work” as of the first time, but if you’re brave enough to try it gain – I promise you his approach would change. Being a substitute actually works for you here – you have the opportunity to be someone different for those children and represent a different system – a system of compassion.
I disagree. I spend much of my time with children as a teacher and many many kids are manipulative. Sure it is a learned behavior but once they have learned it the fact is that it is there. This kind of parenting is why I have so many kids in the alternative school program because they do not know how to deal with getting their feelings hurt or they believe every single thing they feel should be validated. Sorry but that is not always possible nor should it be.
Hi Rhonda, don’t get me wrong – I see where you are coming from, but when you say “this kind of parenting”, you don’t really mean loving, attentive, honest and attuned to needs and feelings. The “kind of parenting” you are referring to is permissive and neglectful, a parenting style in which children are not seen, not heard, and are not taught to handle themselves (and the world) with compassion. What I am offering is everything but that. Email me if you’d like, I’d love to talk more.
Hi Viki, I’m really enjoying your website! My almost four year old daughter is constantly snatching things from her one year old brother’s hands. Which makes him cry! At times she is very loving with him but she cannot seem to help herself with all this snatching. How would you correct this behavior?
Thank you!
Hi Juliette,
I’m very happy to hear that you’re enjoying my content 🙂
Snatching of toys is what you see, it’s the behavior that is the last link in the chain of human experience. Prior to the behavior there is always a need and a feeling. When the need is not met, the feeling is unpleasant and it causes unpleasant behaviors, such as the one you’ve described. Instead of focusing on the behavior, ask your little one what happened there that made her snatch the toy. It’s very common for older siblings to feel a variety of feelings towards their new siblings. She might be feeling less seen and heard by you, she might be feeling less connected, it could be the lack of autonomy or the need for authentic self expression. Ask here – at 4 she is rather quite to tell you what she is angry about. Once you’ll give her needs and feelings presence, space, and expression, the anger is expected to tone down 🙂
Hope this helps!
I love everything you say in this article but would like to know more in your opinion of ‘there’s no right or wrong’. So how do i get my 3 year old to get out of bed on time, or take a shower or brush her teeth?
Hi Irma, thank you for your warm feedback 🙂 The idea of no right and wrong simply means that it’s okay that your 3 year old doesn’t want to go to bed on time or brush her teeth – I mean, who does? These are not fun things to do 🙂 With that being said – she still has to do it, but we should not let the judgment of her being “wrong” about it affect the way we handle the situation. Meaning if you, coming from the idea of her being “wrong” approach her and say something like “why don’t you ever brush your teeth? don’t you care about your mouth’s hygiene? Why can’t you just listen to me when I talk to you” – you will hurt her feelings, make her feel bad about herself, and surely won’t encourage her to do any of these things. On the other hand, when you approach her with no judgment, with a clear description of what’s going on, while still meeting her needs for autonomy and freedom of choice, you would say something like “wow brushing teeth is no fun. I don’t like it either. It’s still something we need to do though, so here is your tooth brush, let me know when you are ready to use it :)”. It is the same with going to bed on time. Usually kids are afraid that there are really fun stuff happening after they go to sleep, what we call FOMO – fear of missing out. So if you make sure she played enough, and give her all the connection she NEEDS before bedtime – she is less likely to resist it. She’s not wrong from not wanting to go to sleep – she wants to be with you 🙂 When you address her need rather than what you see – you will make it much easier on her to cooperate with you and follow your lead 🙂
Hope this makes sense 🙂
So what do you do when they still refuse to brush their teeth or go to bed? You’ve given advice on what to say when something first happens, but chances are, the child will still refuse. Then what? When a child disobeys, you’re saying that is not wrong? Teachers will be giving them instructions and telling them that what they just did is not acceptable behavior and will discipline them. How will they cope when they go to school when they’ve never been told anything is wrong?
Hi Melissa, I would love to talk to you about the valid questions you’ve asked – feel free to email me at viki@parentsenlight.com or join my FB group right here: http://bit.ly/2XxhY2w . Hope to meet you soon 🙂
Thank u for this write up, i struggle to keep my peace once I get home to my kids. I realise I am expecting too much from them most especially my first daughter. It is really affecting my relationship with her. I will try out all I have read here. Thank u once more
I am so happy you found a ray of light here 🙂 For the slightest chance that you will read this reply, I would suggest for you to start working on these expectations you have from your oldest daughter – especially if you know that that are exaggerated to some extent. Try to ask yourself why you have these expectations, what are your needs? Which needs of yours that have to do with these expectations are not met in your relationship with your daughter? What you can do to meet these needs of yours in ways that are suitable for her age? Feel free to email me at viki@parentsenlight.com
Hope this helps 🙂
I am literally crying as I read this. I think this just changed mine and my children’s lives. A complete paradigm shift. Thank you for writing this.
Wow. I’m speechless. Thank you.
I found this very insightful. Thankyou for posting this I will have to try and see if it helps
The pleasure is all mine 🙂
I can’t tell you enough how much I love this and really needed it. I have been struggling with how to handle stressful situations with my 2nd (just turned 3). She is headstrong and knows what she wants and sometimes that ends in me shouting or saying something to her that I don’t mean and end up regretting later. I’ve been trying to find a way to connect with her more and less discipline and “scolding”. I love this article so much and it helped me tremendously. Thank you so much ❤️
Thank you so much for saying this and sharing this little bit of your story. I feel blessed I could help 🙂
For the most part I agree with everything you said, however, I do feel there are times that saying no is imperative in keeping children safe. I believe though that it needs to be done with love and an explanation rather than with yelling and punishing. Children need correction and discipline. There is a big difference between discipline and punishment.
I couldn’t agree more 🙂 I don’t think I ever said there’s no room for “no”. Heck, it’s one of the words I use most. I’m just mindful to the “why” behind it and super mindful to the “how” 🙂
How do you “correct” your child if he hits other children? Just because he doesn’t like what they’re saying or doing or the situation isn’t going as he wants it to happen.
Hi Priscilla, you’re right – in life we will not always get what we need just because we need it, and it is important to teach children how to handle these emotions in order for them to be able to positively handle these situations as they grow up. However – when we react to violence with violence (punishments are indeed a form of violence) we further perpetuate the fact that there if force in this world and that using it is a valid option. When a child hits, we can always look for the reason behind it, for the unmet need that triggered the impulse to hit, address it, and teach the child how to properly react to it in the future. Feel free to email me at viki@parentsenlight.com and I explain more.
I agree with most of what you say, however, “respectful” is a quality I certainly would use to describe an adult I admire and look up to. Considering that “disrespectful” is what your encouraging on the other hand, maybe rethink that line.
Where did you get the idea that I encourage “disrespect”?
I can not tell you how many time i have watched you video and read your words today! I am a mother of four and a Montessori preschool teacher. These are the words i want to hear and share! Talk to me more about this correcting ones self in how we correct or communicate. i want to know more and hear more of your words. do you have a book or another videos?
Hi Amy! Wow! Your comment here just put a big smile of gratitude all over my face 🙂 I do have a book – bit.ly/30nnS58 – and you can follow my on YouTube where I’m slowly adding more and more videos – http://bit.ly/2X0NO8p. You can also join my Facebook group for more inspiration http://bit.ly/2XxhY2w and actually message me as I have loads of awesome ideas you can incorporate in your classroom 🙂 I’d be honored to meet you!
How old are your children? ?
Hi Amy 🙂 From your comment I understand that my answer doesn’t really matter since what you are looking for is to discredit my words. If this is your aim, then there’s nothing I can do to change that 🙂 I will tell you one thing though – if you are an emotional anchor to yourself and to your family – you are such whether you have 3 children or 7 🙂
“Remember that obedient, respectful, quiet, and easy to handle are qualities we would never use to describe an adult we look up to. So let’s not seek this in our children”
Why wouldn’t someone look up to an adult who is respectful?
Hi Allie, while I fully see where you are coming from (respectful is such a positive word, isn’t it?) please try and think about the last time you’ve actually used this word to describe an adult who you appreciate, did you? At all? “Respect” is manifested through listening to the words of others, through trying to meet their needs, through help and support, through compassion – this is what we mean when we call an adult “respectful” – but when we use this word to describe a child, what we really mean is obedient. So there is a discrepancy of definitions that just doesn’t apply in real life. Does this make sense?
Love this article. Got a few questions. What should your mom have done with the laundry? Suck it up and, depending on your abilities, wear wrinkled clothes? Or model quietly and assume you’ll eventually catch on? What about when you ask your child to put on their tennis shoes because it’s cold outside and they put on flip flops? Thanks so much!
Hi Lynnsey, I’m happy you asked. About my mother – “should” is irrelevant, as for her reasons, she did what she did 🙂 And I love her regardless. Generally speaking though, the answer is yes: there’s always an intrinsic motivation behind what we can actually see, and with children these motivations are stronger than anything else. So when we recognize the intrinsic motivation to help – the outcome doesn’t matter, because when we judge the outcome we kill the motivation.
Your son, just like anyone else, doesn’t like being cold. Cold doesn’t feel nice. Yet it is up to him to learn it. Believe me that if you’ll let him wear his flops when it is cold, two or three time, not more – he will never do it again. This is one of the fights and power struggles most parents face yet have such an easy solution – let the child be the one to tell you that he’s cold and trust that no one likes being cold.
I really liked the article. You raise your kids very differently than my parents raised me (strict, “no,” “bad,” “wrong”).
I need a little help. My just turned one-year-old sometimes stands in the bathtub. This can obviously be dangerous if he falls and hits his head, so it is not safe for him to do this. If in that situation, what would you do to convince your child (one that only knows a few words) that it is safer to sit on one’s bum (or, at minimal, hands and knees)? TIA!
Hi Lindsay 🙂 Thanks for sharing your thoughts and looking for where these lessons can apply in your life and parenting.
You fear your little one might get hurt, and I get that; but for him – he’s a superstar. A superhero. Each time he manages to master a new skill he’s stronger, physically and mentally, than he was before. What does this mean for you as his mother? It means that you need to be there for him, and be ready to catch him when he falls. He trusts you to do just this, not to tell him to sit down when all he wants is to learn how great he is 🙂
Try putting a towel in the bathtub for him to stand on, there will be less chances of slipping 🙂
Really?! You don’t think a respectful adult is someone to look up to???
Let’s be really honest Bri, when was the last time you used the word “respectful” to describe an adult? We mean a million things when we use this word to describe adults (if ever), but when we use this word to describe children we only really mean “obedient”. Think about it.
Thank you for this article! As an elementary school teacher, this was an excellent reminder of the tone I want to set in my classroom. What advice do you have for adapting these ideas for the management of a classroom setting with many children? Would love to hear your thoughts!
Hi Tara! What a great question! Thank you for asking 🙂 The answer is both simple and not simple at all. Look at every child like a separate human being, and not as a single representation of the whole. This way you would be able to see passed the influence of the mass, both on the child, but most importantly – on you. Hope this make sense. Feel free to email me 🙂
I don’t know if I’ve ever needed to read a parenting article that popped up on Pinterest anymore than I needed to read this particular one today. This makes so much sense, and I feel just terrible, knowing all along that my kids aren’t bad, and that it’s just been me killing their spirit and independence, just as my parents silenced mine.
Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing Sara. Please don’t feel bad – this is not a feeling that brigs forth positive change 🙂 Our society is based upon fear, guilt, and shame and if we want to make a change – we start with our relation to ourselves. You’ve been doing the best you can with the knowledge and tolls you’ve had 🙂 If you’re ready to make a real and profound change – join my membership group today: https://parentsenlight.com/the-tribe Hope to see you soon 🙂
How would you get a child to calm down when they scream and yell out of frustration? My 9yr old daughter gets anxious and frustrated when doing anything difficult. She screams and is very possessive about her things, she screams and cries when her sister is near her things. She works herself up. Sometimes I send her to her room to calm down because I haven’t been able to talk her through it. She usually goes and reads with distracts herself and she never actually deals with whatever feelings were causing that particular meltdown. She needs to learn how to deal with her emotions and keep herself from “freaking out”, example she is doing math and it’s hard if she doesn’t freak out she can work through it just fine. If she allows herself to get anxious she screams and starts panicking and cannot focus and complete math. So we may work through this for a couple hours until she is calm enough to do her school. Thoughts?
Hi Hannah, calming down is not an interest I have. I am always looking to help children process, understand, and overcome their emotions, and to grow while at it. When we’re looking for children to calm down, what we really want is for them to just stop screaming; but if we don’t let these emotions out, if we don’t grieve the loss or the failure, we don’t learn anything. We learn the world when we learn how to handle these emotions and how to bravely look within and find the solution that is right for us. Calming down is simply escaping. Does this make sense? Feel free to email me at viki @ parentsenlight dot com and we can talk further 🙂
Definition of respect: due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others.
Why would I not want my children to be respectful. They don’t always behave like that with me as I am their ‘rule giver’ 🤪, but my children are adored by others, not because of their obedience, but because of their respectful nature (see above definition).
I tell my children no regularly. “Mum, can I bake some muffins?”, “no…I tell you every time to clean up your mess and you don’t do it, so no”. This child is 13. Am I supposed to say “yes, how about I make a big mess with you, and then we can watch the mess get spread through the house by all the other children because getting flour, butter and sugar all over the floor, repeatedly, at 13 years old shouldn’t be met with consequences…oh, and let’s make sure we leave oil all through the sink and get it all over a sink full of dishes coz I just LOVE cleaning up all your oil after you”. And if I do let her go ahead and cook/bake under the provision that she clean her mess, and she doesn’t, she is told to get to the kitchen and clean it. So I guess that makes me a bad parent 🤷♀️
And you told another woman that having 3 kids or having 7 kids doesn’t matter…umm, how do you know that if you don’t have 7 children. I have 5, 14,13,6,2,7 months. I can tell you right now that there is a big difference between having 3 children and having 5, let alone 7. The different age dynamics and needs are alot to juggle, especially when you are sleep deprived and have so much more to do, clean and organise. You are splitting your time, patience and energy between more people. Not to mention babies and toddlers require so much more attention and understanding because of their inability to regulate their emotions efficiently, therefore your older children miss out on some of that. I have had my older 3 girls away today for a few hours and my toddler was so much more manageable and calm with less children in the house making a fuss, starting arguments and hyping him out. I homeschool the 2 eldest, the 6 yr old does school five days a week and the toddler has 12 hours of childcare a week. Apart from that we spend the alot of our time together. My time was much easier spent consoling children and getting to the roots of their emotional issues when I had one or 2, versus 5.
Don’t get me wrong, I agree with alot of what you say, but I don’t appreciate the one-size-fits-all mentality. And I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but children do need clear boundaries. They don’t need to hear no constantly, but they do need to hear it, it’s a part of life. Also, younger children and older children are very different in their needs and wants, there is also a very big difference in defiance and being uncooperative. Different ages require different approaches and often the older ones don’t even know why they are being so difficult because all their hormones are going haywire. Does that mean that I can’t TELL my teenage child that they HAVE to do their chores. I can guarantee you that if given the choice they will say no and go read a book for a few hours.
At 6 yrs old I would encourage my daughter to think a little more about how she is hanging out the washing and we would do it in a funny way, but by 13/14 I would expect my child to be hanging washing out decently and I would “correct” them, especially if they are being lazy about it. No adult has FUN hanging out washing, so i wouldn’t expect a teenager to either, but I still expect it to be done decently (not perfectly, but decently), it’s a part of life. I don’t think your mum ‘correcting’ you was the issue in your childhood, I would say it was more that there was no fun and joking or praise along with it. That is disappointing.
If your going to respond to my comment, can you please have the respect to keep my comment available for others to see so they are not getting a one sided comment/response. I would also advise being a little less passive aggressive in your replies, if you think that children should be given the same respect as adults, and be seen as having valid opinions and thoughts, then I would expect that you treat adults with the same respect. I’m not saying you have to agree with my opinion, but what you are talking about is not black and white, there are MANY grey areas (especially when it comes to extremely defiant or manipulative children, regardless of whether or not it is a learnt behaviour). I have no interest in private emails, if you have a response to my comment I’m happy for it to be discussed in the comments.
Again, I would like to say that I very much agree with alot of what you are saying, and it is very important in the earlier years when regulation of emotions is so hard for children but as children get older it is completely reasonable to have higher expectations of behaviour, and definitive boundaries. They will have them when they leave home so it is important for then to learn those life skills prior.
Kind regards,
Sharona.
I pray that my children continue to be seen as respectful people.
Dear Sharona,
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the number of words you used and the time you’ve spent on your comment here. Clearly, the post touched you, even if not the way I intended 🙂
I want to respond to the topics you’ve touched as elaborately as you did. So let’s begin 🙂
Respect: definitely a high and needed value. Values are taught – not demanded 🙂 What makes it even harder is that children can’t understand respect the way we do. For this reason, respect is modeled, spoken about, and instilled through example – not through demands that lead to empty behaviors.
No: we have to use our “no” to teach children that we have boundaries; this is the only way for them to learn how to use their “no” to protect their boundaries. But, what are boundaries? Let’s take your muffin example. Did you teach her about the value of cleanliness and order by not allowing her to bake? Did you teach her about your boundaries here? I’m asking with true curiosity because I can’t see how disallowing baking teaches here… Wouldn’t it be better to allow her to bake after making a detailed plan for the following actions? Like cleaning. I believe that we learn (and teach) when we say yes. There are various ways to phrase your “yes” to maximize every situation.
The number of children: we are who we are wherever we go. If we yell at our only child, we will yell at three kids and more. If we live intentionally with one child, we will live intentionally with three. The number of children does not affect your mindset if your mindset is a goal you are actively working towards, such as raising your children. And don’t get me wrong – it is more difficult the more children you have – but it is not a contradiction. I’ll say more – the more children you have – the more you will benefit from intentionally developing your mindset. This is a promise 🙂
One size fits all: definitely – there isn’t one 🙂 Each individual takes what benefits them and puts all their energies in that direction. When practicing Mindfulness, each person can find the practices that work better for them than others.
Boundaries: I couldn’t agree more – a child with no limits is a lost child who will find the world to be a more complex place since no one ever gave him a map to follow. But what are boundaries? To me, boundaries are not about controlling other people; they are about making MY life happier.
Chores: I agree that children have to do their chores. But why not do them after reading for a few hours? Chores don’t have to be miserable, and if we – adults – practiced more boundaries and more self-care around our chores – we’d find them much more enjoyable 🙂 Yes – they have to do their chores. But – they can choose which chores, when to do it, in what order, and so on. I believe in actions that lead to joy, or at least don’t take it away. What do you think?
About my mom, it was as I said it was, but thank you for trying to look at it in a different light 🙂
As for my tone of voice, which you’ve called passive-aggressive, I can tell you that I’m working on it. I don’t know what it is about my writing that comes across this way (could it be that English is my third language?). I can promise you that if we’d meet in person, you’d have a different opinion about me 🙂
Thank you for the time you took in reading this novel 🙂
Have a blessed day 🙂
Great Article!
I want to share, that once my 10 year old son tried to help me in doing dishes, I interrupted him to correct or teach him how to do, He stopped helping me and gave a reason that you do better. So do it yourself
After reading your article I am realizing my mistake that I should have let him do.
Thank you very much for such a great article.
Thank YOU for reading and taking it to heart 🙂
So well explained ! Thank you 🙏
Always here for you 🙂
For the “forget about right and wrong” idea, please help me to understand. I love your general theme but for our kids we definitely do teach right and wrong. As and example our oldest (7) has lied on a few occasions through the years about something she did or didn’t do. We explain to her that speaking the truth is the right thing to do and lying is wrong. Same good for hitting out of emotion, taking something that is not theirs after they clearly understand who’s it is and how it will effect them, etc.
If we ask our kids, “what does the Titzman Tribe Do?” They will reply, “the right thing.” We impress upon them that working hard, helping others, following the golden rule and speaking the truth are the right things to do.
Please help me to understand your point better.
Grateful,
Dustin
Hi Dustin, thank you so much for your comment here and for asking this brilliant question. I completely understand the challenge my statement poses to readers. You spoke about lying, that’s a very good example. Say you’re planning a surprise party for your wife, and she asks the kids what’s the plan for Monday night. They need to lie, don’t they? Very often we lie to protect other people’s emotions, is that wrong? The truth is that adults lie all the time 🙂 So it’s not about the lie, but about the values it serves, and when it serves a higher value, it is indeed a strategy one can choose. When a child hits, it’s not that he did the “wrong” thing, he just doesn’t know how to react differently and he needs us to teach him and do so not from a place of wrongness but from a place of love to the need he was trying to get met. Everything we do is a strategy to meet our needs, and needs are never wrong. When we teach our children that there are no rights and wrongs that are universal, we encourage them to listen to their heart and think independently. And – it is not to say that the Titzmans are doing anything “wrong” – you clearly did a marvelous job parenting your kids, but there are also other ways to reach the same result 🙂
Great article.