We often correct our children’s behavior by making them feel bad (shaming, punishments, times out) – this doesn’t work in the long run. Here’s what does work.
Until our little ones are approximately 1 year old, 100% of our communication with them meets our mutual needs for connection, because, let’s be honest – there isn’t a real need for anything else. They don’t yet talk, or walk, or do anything that might sabotage our needs (except for that sleeping thing, but oh well). We tell them about the world, about ourselves, about them, and everything we say has to do with love.
But then – they become active. They become mobile. They become verbal. And our language changes in a heartbeat. No. Don’t. Stop. Don’t touch that. Don’t go there. This isn’t for you. You’re too small to do that. You can’t get there. Not now. No. No. No.
The problem is, that babies and toddlers don’t differentiate between themselves and their actions, that is how attuned they are to their needs and feelings. They need, they feel, they act. When we say “no” – we negate the very core of their being. This is the extent to which “no” affects them. This is as early as all of us are (unwillingly) pulled into the social paradigm of good/bad. And we constantly want to be “good” for the ones we are connected to, because otherwise – their connection to us is under threat.
I read somewhere that after the age of one, 90% of what children hear from their parents is negative. What a contrast to a 100% of love, isn’t it?
The Nature of Correction
The premise to correction is the idea of “right” and “wrong”; however, it holds another premise according to which “I know better than you and it is my job to teach you how to be better”. Nonviolent Communication teaches us that right and wrong don’t really exist, and they definitely should not exist when the price we pay for them is the price of relationship.
When we correct a child, what we are really telling her are the following statements:
- You are wrong
- I am right
- Here’s how you can be more like me
Or:
- You are wrong
- I am right
- Agree with me or (anything that leads the child to agreeing out of fear, guilt, or shame)
How does this make you feel?
Why do We Feel We Need to Correct Our Children?
The answer to this is both simple and sad: it is because we were, ourselves, taught that being a grown up means we know better than anyone who is younger. It is because we were taught that as parents, our job is to “fix”; following this, we see most things as “broken”.
I once met an amazing mother whose son had an incredible ability – whenever he’d approach a puzzle, he would spread out the pieces all over the flower, stand in the middle of all it and look at it from above. After a few minutes he’d kneel down and just put all pieces in their right place. When they first saw him do that, they felt it was wrong. “This is not the right way to solve a puzzle” they said. They wanted to help him, they wanted to correct his approach. Thank God he didn’t listen. Can you imagine what an incredible ability he might have lost?
Not everything that is done differently, needs to be done the way we do it.
The Cost of Correcting a Child
I wrote about it in a previous article on how to build a strong attachment, but this story fits here perfectly. When I was little, I had a short phase (soon you’ll see why) in which I really wanted to help my mother, so I started hanging the laundry out to dry. Not once did I do a good enough job. The socks weren’t properly straightened out, the shirts weren’t shaken out to a pleasing extent, and whatnot. Guess what – not only that I stopped with the laundry as a way of helping my mom, but additionally – this is a chore I dislike until this very day.
Believing she is teaching me useful skills, she corrected and corrected to the point there was nothing left to correct, because the little me decided that if she is the only one who does it right, she might as well do it herself.
Attachment through Sameness
Although not taken from Nonviolent Communication but from the Attachment Theory, sameness is one of the six ways in which children connect, it is an existential need (!) without which we wouldn’t survive. Sameness is the reason for which we learn how to talk, and how to walk. It is the reason for which we mimic what we see our parents doing, it the reason for which modeling, rather than correcting is the best thing we can possibly do for our children.
When we correct – we distance. When we are correct, it is as if we say “you are not like me, here is how you can be more like me”. Instead of “you are not like me and this is wonderful – show me how I can be more like you” or “this is awesome! Let’s see if we can do it even better together!”.
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Children Need Constant Correction
No. They don’t. What children do need is constant connection. Connection is the best, if not only, positive source of motivation and it is, most definitely, the best reason to do things in this world. When we operate out of love, out of our inherent need to make ourselves and those around us happy, our actions are devoted to just that – making everyone happy.
When we operate out of fear, guilt, or shame – we meet the need of our loved ones in distance, growing resentment, anger, and frustration. This always comes with a price, because like all beneficial needs and feelings – painful needs and feelings need to surface, too.
So how Can You Correct a Child?
When we feel the need to “correct” our children – one of three things are actually happening:
- Our little one had lost connection and doesn’t know how to regain it; she is acting out of a connection void
- Our little one just did something in order to meet her own needs – and we don’t think this is something she should be doing.
- Our little one did something to meet our needs, but it didn’t quite work out
Correcting the Lost Connection
In the first scenario (which is a typical “terrible two” kind of thing), connection is the first and only beneficial response. Validation of feelings, offering of compassion and empathy, a place to vent or a place to cuddle. Whatever those little ones need to know that they are loved EVEN WHEN their behaviour is not accepted, EVEN WHEN they are harder to be around. The more we practice this sort of responses, the less hard feelings our little ones will feel. Anger, resentment, and frustration are all wake up calls for unmet needs – the more emotional needs we meet – the less these feelings will control our lives and relationships.
Correcting Actions Meant to Meet Child’s Needs
The second scenario, which starts as early as those little ones start doing things, and never really ends, has a million connecting options that will also, as by product, lead to “correction” of behavior:
- She’s trying to reach something she cannot touch? “Wow you’re so persistent! Here, you can have this”
- She’s trying go somewhere she can’t go? “Oh my! You are so fast! Let’s run in that direction and see who get there first!”
Either way, always say something positive! It is much easier than you think. Let me know in the comments below or join my parenting support group on Facebook if you want more examples.
Correcting Actions Meant to Meet Your Needs
And for the third scenario it is very simple: never ever correct.
Making their loved ones happy is an existential need that we all, as parents, want to preserve in our children. And our children are constantly trying to make us happy – everything they do they do to meet their needs, and our happiness is their need.
I’ll give you an example: as soon as my little one started walking, bring his dad and me water was one of his favorite things, god knows why 🙂 In the first months, by the time he had gotten to any one of us with a glass of water, water was all over the house and there was nothing left in the glass.
So what? It is not about the result – it is about the intention. Today it is enough for me to quietly mutter that I’m thirsty and 3 second later I get a toddler who is thrilled he could help his mother out. From the very first day we made him feel capable, important and trustworthy – and this is what he grew into.
Some Actionable Tips
I’m not saying that 100% of the language we speak can be connection language (or can it?), what I am saying that we must increase the presence of connection in the language we speak. And there’s no limit to it – the more we connect IS the less we correct.
- Always connect before you communicate (come closer, make eye contact, hug)
- Remember that your child never does anything AGAINST you, she is only doing whatever she does to meet HER OWN needs
- Always use positive language
- Avoid “you’re too small”, “too little”, “too young”, “too short”, “you can’t”
- Let your happiness show! “Wow! You made it! Now let’s climb down”!, “Wow, you’re so thoughtful! Thank you so much!”, “you are so curious! I have a great idea – let’s take a look at…”
- Celebrate your children’s being – they will celebrate their being in turn! Happy kids are less likely to resist – because, simply – they don’t need to.
- Forget about right and wrong – there’s no such thing (challenge me in the comments if you’d like)
- Only concentrate on connection (what I am about to do, does it breed love? Or does it negate and hurt? Is the price really worth it?)
- Remember it is never about today’s toddler – it is always about the future adult
- Remember that obedient, respectful, quiet, and easy to handle are qualities we would never use to describe an adult we look up to. So let’s not seek this in our children 🙂
I started writing this article after offering a weekly mindful parenting practice in my Facebook group – join here if you want to see how this concept is practiced in real life 🙂
And thank you for reading 🙂
Great article, as parents we walk a fine line between discipline and understanding. New parents can learn a lot from this. Thanks for sharing.
Viki this is spot on! 100% applicable for all humans – and animals – from 1 to 101 LOL. Connect. Be compassionate. Teach with love. Leave corrections for those teaching from an energy of fear.
This comment is spot on! thanks Ryan 🙂
Thanks for the great article..I am in need of some consistensy and good tactics with my almost three year old third kid! I’m sure you have heard this..but I deeply respect many..respectful, quiet adults. I’m actually one of them, friends have told me my quiet strength is one of my best qualities.
Hi Melinda 🙂 Are you saying that you would like to see more of your qualities in your three year old and you are looking for strategies to influence his behavior?
Your tips are very helpful but I don’t agree with some of your ideals like “When we say “no” – we negate the very core of their being” and “right and wrong don’t really exist”. I know many people who do not correct their children and wake up to teenagers that lie and steal.
I understand your belief in connection because that’s what I believe also. My son (who is 38 years old) knew that we had a connection which meant he was able to understand loving correction. We spent hundreds of hours talking from the time he was little until he went to college. We are very close and he has always known I love him.
I would never want to “challenge” you because you are giving some good advice, but I did find myself feeling combative by the end of the post because I didn’t find any way to connect with you. Thank you for your work in advising parents about how to love and connect. I think it’s a great thing.
Hi Sheila, thank you so much for taking the time to comment and to challenge me – I did request it, didn’t I? 🙂 I’ll need to break my reply to be consistent with the points you’ve raised:
This post is not about law breaking behaviors and I’ll edit to make that part clear.
Teenagers who lie and steal do so from an immense variety of reasons – not being corrected is, in most cases, not one of them.
Surely – when a child steals she MUST be told that is something that we cannot do. When the stealing persists, it’s a clear sign that it meets some underline needs that are not otherwise met. Even if correction will work here – a different behavior meant to address those needs will soon pop up; so again – we haven’t solved a thing.
Lies are meant to cover up fear: if we won’t address the feared issue, correction won’t help. It will lead to more fear (and guilt, and shame) that will, in turn, lead to more lies.
When we address a visible behavior – we neglect the need it stems from. This strategy might work for that very moment, but it won’t change the pattern. If anything – it will deepen it.
I hope this makes it more clear 🙂 Let me know if you have any further questions, and again – thanks for this challenge 🙂
What a relatable and interesting article. Thank you for giving me a different perspective.
Thank you for reading! This is all I ever wished for 🙂
I like the ideas you’ve raised but I really don’t see how it’s applicable all the time. How would you deal with a 23 month old biting her five month old brothers fingers? He would not stop screaming for 10 minutes and now has a bruise. She did it again the next day too so obviously my method of yelling her doesn’t work! I only left them alone together for 30 seconds to get the baby a bottle.
Hi Sam! You’ve raised a very important question – it is not possible 100% of the time. It can’t be – we, parents, are people, too. And we have feelings, too. And sometimes raising our voices is the only accessible option. However, parenting (and any other life experience) is not measured by a single instance, it’s measured as a whole, upon everything it encompasses and teaches. From the little you’ve written here I can assume there was a deterioration in your older child’s behavior since the little one was born, which is exactly what’s expected at this age and setting. She fears for her connection with you and only hearts the little one because she, herself, is hurting. Surely – yelling doesn’t help. The best way to go with it (with it and not against it – as we can’t change anyone’s feelings) is to validate how she feels, actively work to raise new emotions within her, and giving her new strategies to venting her unpleasant experience. I would be very happy to help – feel free to email me at viki@parentsenlight.com and we’ll make it all better. Sending all of you love and compassion 🙂
Hi Viki,
This is a great post you have here. I have truly learnt a lot as a mom of 3 awesome kids. I have recently decided to do less correcting and love my kids more. So this post is what I needed.
Thank you
Thank you Grace! I’m so happy you enjoyed it 🙂
Hi Viki-
I feel like I speak from a negative place too much with my 8 yo and 6 yo. I’m constantly telling them to do it this way, don’t do that, etc.
But they both definitely have a certain way of doing things. I need to be more cognizant of this. I can definitely learn new and easier ways if I could just let them do it the way they want.
Sometimes I’m just so afraid that they’ll get hurt or break something that I’m definitely holding them back.
I am going to print your article to remind me to just breathe and let them be!
Thank you so much for writing it.
Hi Melissa, worrying for our children and their future is probably the most natural feeling we have. I mean, it’s our job, isn’t it? It’s just that sometimes our worries get the best of us and end up having a price on our relationship with these little ones who we love most. There are more than a few positive strategies to have your needs met WHILE meeting the needs of your children. I’d be happy to help you find these strategies 🙂 Contact me at viki@parentsenlight.com if you’d like. Sending you all love 🙂
My concern is that a child may take advantage of having such a “loving” relationship. Some children actually know what they are doing, they know that what they are doing is wrong. We teach them many times what is safe behavior and what isn’t, and they still engage in hitting, kicking, cursing etc. How do we deal with such extreme behaviors through making loving connections? I am afraid of getting walked over and having someone get hurt if I don’t implement consequences to a child’s actions especially if they are extreme and literally “wrong”. Some behaviors do have to be corrected. How specifically can I do that? I think I am misunderstanding this article. Please help me!
Hi Theodore, great question 🙂 You see, “taking advantage” is something that adults do; it’s an adult way of thinking that doesn’t apply to young children. True, kids do learn to “take advantage”, but it’s something they learn – not something they are born with. Human beings are BORN with the need for connection – kids who grow up with a strong sense of connection, who know that there’s nothing they can do to lose it – are less likely to engage in activities that might jeopardize that connection. Hitting, kicking, and cursing require correction, obviously. When that correction is drenched in fear, guilt, and shame the results of it won’t last long and will, in the long run, result in more hitting, kicking, and cursing. When this correction aims to correct by “activating” the child’s inner, positive, motivation – it will stay there for good and benefit the child for a lifetime. I hope this makes sense 🙂
Yes that does make some sense. To be honest I am not a parent I am a substitute teacher and have been working with a certain child that I have only met twice, and I don’t know his full situation. Perhaps I have been focusing too much on the child’s actions and not the underlying causes of the behaviors. As a substitute teacher it is difficult to make strong connections because you are always on the move, but I am still expected to have control of whatever classroom I am in, which is extremely difficult, especially given that not all schools have the same methods or philosophies when it comes to behavior management. Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it.
Hi Theodore,
I see. Let me offer you something else rather than the regular “discipline” methods: next time you see this boy, drop all ideas of “control” and show him only empathy and compassion. When you speak to him – disregard his behavior and address the underlying needs instead. When he is acting out, don’t tell him to stop or how he should be acting, instead tell him something like “wow, you are having a really difficult time, are you? Can you tell me what you need now? What I can do to make it easier on you?”. Perhaps it won’t “work” as of the first time, but if you’re brave enough to try it gain – I promise you his approach would change. Being a substitute actually works for you here – you have the opportunity to be someone different for those children and represent a different system – a system of compassion.
Hi Viki, I’m really enjoying your website! My almost four year old daughter is constantly snatching things from her one year old brother’s hands. Which makes him cry! At times she is very loving with him but she cannot seem to help herself with all this snatching. How would you correct this behavior?
Thank you!
Hi Juliette,
I’m very happy to hear that you’re enjoying my content 🙂
Snatching of toys is what you see, it’s the behavior that is the last link in the chain of human experience. Prior to the behavior there is always a need and a feeling. When the need is not met, the feeling is unpleasant and it causes unpleasant behaviors, such as the one you’ve described. Instead of focusing on the behavior, ask your little one what happened there that made her snatch the toy. It’s very common for older siblings to feel a variety of feelings towards their new siblings. She might be feeling less seen and heard by you, she might be feeling less connected, it could be the lack of autonomy or the need for authentic self expression. Ask here – at 4 she is rather quite to tell you what she is angry about. Once you’ll give her needs and feelings presence, space, and expression, the anger is expected to tone down 🙂
Hope this helps!
I love everything you say in this article but would like to know more in your opinion of ‘there’s no right or wrong’. So how do i get my 3 year old to get out of bed on time, or take a shower or brush her teeth?
Hi Irma, thank you for your warm feedback 🙂 The idea of no right and wrong simply means that it’s okay that your 3 year old doesn’t want to go to bed on time or brush her teeth – I mean, who does? These are not fun things to do 🙂 With that being said – she still has to do it, but we should not let the judgment of her being “wrong” about it affect the way we handle the situation. Meaning if you, coming from the idea of her being “wrong” approach her and say something like “why don’t you ever brush your teeth? don’t you care about your mouth’s hygiene? Why can’t you just listen to me when I talk to you” – you will hurt her feelings, make her feel bad about herself, and surely won’t encourage her to do any of these things. On the other hand, when you approach her with no judgment, with a clear description of what’s going on, while still meeting her needs for autonomy and freedom of choice, you would say something like “wow brushing teeth is no fun. I don’t like it either. It’s still something we need to do though, so here is your tooth brush, let me know when you are ready to use it :)”. It is the same with going to bed on time. Usually kids are afraid that there are really fun stuff happening after they go to sleep, what we call FOMO – fear of missing out. So if you make sure she played enough, and give her all the connection she NEEDS before bedtime – she is less likely to resist it. She’s not wrong from not wanting to go to sleep – she wants to be with you 🙂 When you address her need rather than what you see – you will make it much easier on her to cooperate with you and follow your lead 🙂
Hope this makes sense 🙂