Before we talk about us, let’s talk about you. If your anger is getting the best of you, if you are not longer able to properly communicate to your loved ones, if you are hurt by the constant criticism, fear, guilt, and shame inflicted upon you – the time for change is NOW. If you want a compassionate, beneficial relationship with your children, if you want to find the way of the heart – you are in the right place.
A life of judgment, interpretation, fear, guilt, and shame – is life wasted. My personal goal is to free you from these burdens, to breed happiness, serenity, and acceptance, and to help you raise free children. Nonviolent Communication makes it possible. Because a better future starts with the next generation, and we are their parents.
And Now about Me – and how I got to Achieve my Dreams
Happiness had always been my lot; I can’t say that I remember too much from my childhood (more about it soon), but since my early teens I always had the ability to find the positive in the negative, the strength in the weakness, and that ray of light on a darker day. I knew how to cope and recuperate, and was the go-to person for anyone who knew me whenever hardships came about.
It was always clear to me that I will devote my life to helping people get as close as possible to whom they want to be, to the existence that would make them happier. But for many years I didn’t know how. I found myself graduating from university without knowing how I could ever help anyone being a linguist, and completely losing my direction in a decade-long journey through financial startups. I was doing well, but I didn’t know why I was doing it. I was happy, but something was missing.
A few short months after I gave birth to my son, pieces of the puzzle started falling into place. But let’s go back to the beginning first.
Where I Came From
It is enough to say that I was born in Russia to understand what my life looked up growing up 🙂
My parents, who loved and still love me very much, did everything they could do to raise me to be a good individual; they let me cry myself to sleep for two whole years (apparently I was stubborn even then), they seldom cuddled me and rarely carried me, so that I won’t develop those bad habits their parents and friends warned them about. When I was a bit older, I was disciplined through yelling and punishing, to teach me limits and respect. I was spanked, locked in my room and denied meals whenever my parents thought that was necessary. No one had ever dared to call me a spoiled child. Although I probably was, by the true meaning of the word.
No one knew better then, but no one was happy. It isn’t my parents fault, of course, they did what they thought was best, what their parents told them was best, what they saw their friends doing. Just like anyone else who’s constantly told what is the “right” path, they, too, stopped questioning what was right for them. We live in a world where the “must” is stronger than anything else, and there are so many “musts”. Most of us work jobs we don’t enjoy to provide for a life we don’t have the time to live. We’re stuck in relationships that don’t fulfill us, we parent our children using the same failing strategies. And we can’t seem to understand what’s wrong, because we’re doing everything “right”.
I know, I was there. I spent four years in university to please my parents, I spent ten more years in hightech believing that a higher income is increased happiness. I’m not saying it isn’t, financial freedom is great, but it won’t make us happy.
1984, Russia – 2018, Everywhere
It was surely more extreme in 1980’s Russia, but my story is still the sad story of millions of children growing up in the industrial Western world and millions of parents, who are blindly following cross-generational customs, not knowing that there is an alternative.
But, I didn’t worry about all of this until recent years. In spite of my childhood, I was blessed and lucky enough to grow up with a warm and loving group of friends, where I was able to learn what strong attachment is and what it feels like. I grew, and I grew attached.
After giving birth to Ilay, the cross-generational burdens weighing my parents’ shoulders almost got to me, too. As of the very first day of his life, I was told what is right and what is wrong. I was encouraged to let him cry and cry it out, to teach him how to self-soothe and self-regulate. I even tried to comply, but my maternal instinct told me that it was so so wrong. Attachment Parenting, on the other hand, was right. For me, for my child, and for my family. When I understood and internalized that I didn’t have the power to change everything, I learned to accept the unchangeable aspects of reality. With acceptance came serenity and with serenity the route to happiness was much shorter.
Knowledge is Power
I then began reading; The Attachment Theory (Bowlby) was the first of dozens of psychology, history and biology books that reshaped my thought and taught me everything I know today about fostering strong and secure attachments, what attachments have to do with the state of happiness, and how crucial they are for the adults we are raising.
When I started studying Nonviolent Communication the pieces of the puzzle finally formed the full picture: Nonviolent Communication is the way to Attachment. Only through understanding needs can we truly understand feelings; only through Pure Observation can we experience the real world, free from fear, guilt, and shame. Only then, can we be happy. I learned to be, to accept, to experience. I could finally breathe. I suddenly gained the understanding of who I was, who my son is, who my husband is; and I learned to communicate with my loved ones inner selves. And they? They finally listened, cooperated and learned to communicate themselves. My little circle of empathy and happiness was expanding.
I Want More
As I saw the miraculous change these realizations had made in me and in my family life, spreading Attachment Parenting through Nonviolent Communication became my passion, my goal. I then became an Attachment and Nonviolent Communication coach therapist to broaden my circle of peace and bring empathy and compassion to every person. But there aren’t enough hours in a day, and that wasn’t enough. This blog is my strategy to spread happiness; it is my strategy to bringing peace to every person out there, who is ready for this amazing change, and to all parents who want to live life differently, who want more for their children.
If you are reading this, you are already one step closer. Sign up below and join my Facebook group, create your own circle of peace and let your loved ones expand it further.
Happiness starts right here.