My goal is to make your (family) life better, simpler, and more enjoyable. My goal is to show you that there is another form of communication that keeps us present, connected and true to ourselves. When was the last time you were, really, true to yourself?
Well, it doesn’t have to be this way. There is a way to communicate that actually helps others hear you, see your needs, and help you meet those needs – because meeting the needs of our loved ones is a NEED all humans share. We’ve just never been taught that.
A life of judgment, interpretation, fear, guilt, and shame – is life wasted. My personal goal is to free you from these burdens, to breed happiness, serenity, and acceptance, and to help you raise free children. Nonviolent Communication makes it possible. Because a better future starts with the next generation, and we are their parents.
And Now about Me – and How I Got to Achieve my Dreams
Happiness had always been my lot; I can’t say that I remember too much from my childhood (more about it soon), but since my early teens I always had the ability to find the positive in the negative, the strength in the weakness, and that ray of light on a darker day. I knew how to cope and recuperate, and was the go-to person for anyone who knew me whenever hardships came about.
It was always clear to me that I will devote my life to helping people get as close as possible to whom they want to be, to the existence that would make them happier. But for many years I didn’t know how. I found myself graduating from university without knowing how I could ever help anyone while being a linguist, and completely losing my direction in a decade-long journey through financial startups. I was doing well, but I didn’t know why I was doing it. I was happy, but something was missing.
A few short months after I gave birth to my son, pieces of the puzzle started falling into place. But let’s go back to the beginning first.
Where I Came From
It is enough to say that I was born in Russia to understand what my life looked up growing up 🙂
My parents, who loved and still love me very much, did everything they could do to raise me to be a good individual; they let me cry myself to sleep for two whole years (apparently I was stubborn even then), they seldom cuddled me and rarely carried me, so that I won’t develop those bad habits their parents and friends warned them about. When I was a bit older, I was disciplined through yelling and punishing, to teach me limits and respect. I was spanked, locked in my room and denied meals whenever my parents thought that was necessary. No one had ever dared to call me a spoiled child. Although I probably was, by the true meaning of the word.
No one knew better then, but no one was happy. It isn’t my parents fault, of course, they did what they thought was best, what their parents told them was best, what they saw their friends doing. Just like anyone else who’s constantly told what is the “right” path, they, too, stopped questioning what was right for them. We live in a world where the “must” is stronger than anything else, and there are so many “musts”. Most of us work jobs we don’t enjoy to provide for a life we don’t have the time to live. We’re stuck in relationships that don’t fulfill us, we parent our children using the same failing strategies. And we can’t seem to understand what’s wrong, because we’re doing everything “right”.
I know, I was there. I spent four years in university to please my parents, I spent ten more years in high-tech believing that a higher income is increased happiness. I’m not saying it isn’t, financial freedom is great, but it won’t make us happy.
1984, Russia – 2018, Everywhere
It was surely more extreme in 1980’s Russia, but my story is still the story of millions of children growing up in the industrial Western world and millions of parents, who are blindly following cross-generational customs, not knowing that there is an alternative.
But, I didn’t worry about all of this until recent years. In spite of my childhood, I was blessed and lucky enough to grow up with a warm and loving group of friends, where I was able to learn what strong attachment is and what it feels like to be connected.
After giving birth to Ilay, the cross-generational burdens weighing my parents’ shoulders almost got to me, too. As of the very first day of his life, I was told what is right and what is wrong. I was encouraged to let him cry and cry it out, to teach him how to self-soothe and self-regulate. I even tried to comply, but my maternal instinct told me that it was so so wrong. Attachment Parenting, on the other hand, felt right. For me, for my child, and for my family. When I understood and internalized that I didn’t have the power to change everything, I learned to accept the unchangeable aspects of reality. With acceptance came serenity and with serenity the route to happiness was much shorter.
Living by our brains is how we are taught to live; nut living by our hearts is how we are meant to live.
Knowledge is Power
I then began reading; The Attachment Theory (Bowlby) was the first of dozens of psychology, history and biology books that reshaped my thought and taught me everything I know today about fostering strong and secure attachments, what attachments have to do with the state of happiness, and how crucial they are for the adults we are raising.
When I started studying Nonviolent Communication the pieces of the puzzle finally formed the full picture: Nonviolent Communication is the way to Attachment. Only through understanding needs can we truly understand feelings; only through Pure Observation can we experience the real world, free from fear, guilt, and shame. Only then, can we be happy. I learned to be, to accept, to experience. I could finally breathe. I suddenly gained the understanding of who I was, who my son is, who my husband is; and I learned to communicate with my loved ones inner selves. And they? They finally listened, cooperated and learned to communicate themselves. My little circle of empathy and happiness was expanding.
I Want More
As I saw the miraculous change these realizations had made in me and in my family life, spreading Attachment Parenting through Nonviolent Communication became my passion, my goal. I then became a life and family coach therapist to broaden my circle of peace and bring empathy and compassion to every person. But there aren’t enough hours in a day, and so that wasn’t enough. ParentsEnlight is my strategy to spread happiness; it is my strategy to bringing peace to every person out there, who is ready for this amazing change, and to all parents who want to live life differently, who want more for their children.
If you are reading this, you are already one step closer. Sign up below and join my Facebook group, create your own circle of peace and let your loved ones expand it further.
Happiness starts right here 🙂 And if you need help, here are your options with ParentsEnlight:
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Hope to meet you soon and bring the gifts of Nonviolent Communication to your doorstep 🙂
Attachment Parenting through Nonviolent Communication can change the world. If there are enough of us, we will shift force into power, struggle for acceptance, pain for compassion. This is my dream.
Imagine a world of good. Imagine a society in which everyone are contributing as much as they can, and no one tells them they are not doing enough. Imagine a society driven by internal – positive – intentions, where each individual is always looking for the utmost benefit for himself, and his surrounding. Imagine a society where the benefit for self doesn’t contradict the benefit of another.
Imagine a world of self-caring individuals, who find true joy in helping others. Imagine a society that is always looking to meet the needs of others and grow together, rather than fall apart. Imagine people who act because they want, not because they must. Imagine they only want good. This is possible. All we need to do is relinquish the destructive belief we all carry, our heaviest burden – the belief there isn’t enough, the belief according to which we aren’t enough.
Everyone is Born Good
Imagine a world where everyone constantly evaluate themselves, because they are not judged by others. A world where no one can belittle the other, because appreciation comes from within. A world in which each individual is only compared to himself.
Imagine a society that embraces the suffering, that collectively acts for the better rather than re-acting the worse.
Imagine a world where the different is celebrated, empowered, and embraced.
Everyone is born good. You might think this is a cliche, and it might be so, but only because it is true. As human beings, we strive for nothing but happiness, but we were blinded by its modern definition, and true happiness is nowhere to be found.
The Modern Tyranny of the Masses
7,000 years ago everything changed. Good and bad were born, weak and strong, more and less, right and wrong. Instead of descriptions, these became definitions that govern the way our world thinks and acts. We tied our language and our perception to words that lead us nowhere, but to a constant struggle. The struggle with self, struggle with our loved ones, struggle with the world.
This modern tyranny is the tyranny of a violent language that had forgotten who we, human beings, really are. We are beings governed by attachment and love who are forced to detach to find acceptance, to fit with the social norm.
A Norm of Attachment
What is the norm, if not the power of majority? It happened once, but it can happen again. This time, smarter, with the knowledge of the detached world and the understanding that it has to change.
We are not raising children, we are raising tomorrow’s adults. Those little ones, running around our house, are our future leaders, future thinkers, future doers.
Attachment parenting through Nonviolent Communication can make the opening paragraphs of this article our reality. Is there anything else we want for them?
The seeds are sown – we are not alone.
Join my Facebook community to be part of something greater; together we can change the world. I’m sure of that 🙂
If you feel that the connection between you and your loved ones was lost along the way, and you no longer know how to reach these amazing people, contact me. We can make everything better.
What is Nonviolent Communication, what does it have to do with Attachment Parenting, and how can it transform your life and our future?
Attachment Parenting, meeting the existential and developmental needs of our children, is the most effective way of building strong and secure attachments during infancy and toddler-hood, but what happens when co-sleeping and baby-wearing are no longer relevant strategies? When our children are older and we can’t seem to connect with them that much, or to communicate with them effectively? Now is the time to start practicing Nonviolent Communication.
What is Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent Communication is the language of life, as coined by Marshall Rosenberg. It is the language of empathy, compassion, understanding of self, and mutual understanding. Nonviolent communication is a model allowing us to experience life and our loved ones as they truly are, free from the cross-generational burden of fear, guilt, and shame. Nonviolent Communication teaches us to communicate our needs, and hear the needs of others behind their spoken words, it allows us to address our inner desires and convey them to the ones we are communicating with. Nonviolent Communication offers us Pure Observation to free us from the interpretations binding us to anger and frustration; it opens the door for empathy and compassion towards ourselves and our loved ones.
Nonviolent Communication teaches us that we are the total sum of our needs and that our needs are the key to our feelings. Most simply put, when our needs are met, we are content and happy; when our needs are undermined, we are sad and frustrated. Since happiness is the one and only ultimate goal, everything we do is a strategy aimed at having our needs met. But the world we live in is not accustomed to communicating through needs and feelings. For decades we’ve been taught that behavior is the only thing worth noticing, as it is, indeed, the only parameter we can actually see.
Where did We Lose it?
It was 7,000 years ago that Patriarchy raised its ugly head and claimed the Reign of Fear that is now prevalent more than ever. For the past 7,000 years, human societies have been systematically distancing themselves from actual humanism, from what being human actually means. The Reign of Fear rules our thoughts, and affirms our beliefs; we must be something in order to get somewhere, we must do it well enough and get there fast enough because there just isn’t enough for everyone. We ought to obtain the knowledge, the funds, and the assets, to gain the respect, and the social status without which, we are worthless. Or, at least, not as worthy as someone else. As much as this was correct at the dawn of the Neolithic and Industrial Revolutions, capitalism promoted the Reign of Fear to its current state – rooted so deep within us, we’re not even aware we are governed by it. Fear is our second skin.
Happiness – Where have You Gone?
Happiness, upon its numerous synonyms, is the one state of mind that everyone wishes to reach, yet fewer and fewer people are happy; why is it so? Depression, loneliness, lack of self-worth, aggressiveness, violence, and suicide rates are skyrocketing all over the world. There was never, in all of history, an era more war-struck than the one we live in today.
Nonviolent Communication can be the end of this, and the dawn of the bright world, moved by needs and feelings, moved by positivity. Spreading Nonviolent Communication is my personal goal and my biggest passion, and it starts with the way that we parent.
Parenting for the Future
The combination of Attachment Parenting and Nonviolent Communication into a single parenting method is life changing for anyone brave enough to step outside the social structure, sway from the destructive familiar and into the constructive, yet unfamiliar method of communication.
Using my method of Nonviolent communication you will learn the following:
- How judgment and interpretation affect you and your family life
- How to see the real, human occurrence that you’re in (without judgment and interpretation)
- How to use feelings as a compass leading you towards your and your loved ones’ needs
- How to communicate your needs and teach your loved ones to communicate their needs
- How to differentiate needs from strategies
- How to single out strategies that no longer work
- How to find alternative strategies that do work
- How to address the needs of your loved ones
- How to grow better and stronger attachments
- How to celebrate life and relationships to the fullest
It is Time to Change the Future
Our children are the world’s future leaders, and their future starts with us. Our children will learn through ‘yes’ rather than ‘no’, they will learn that their feelings and actions don’t define them. They will learn to define who they are through their feelings and act upon them. They will learn to give through receiving, acceptance through love. They will find what they want, when we remove ‘you must’, they will learn to break through when we’ll free them from limits. These children will find courage by the removal of fear, they will find pride in the removal of guilt, they will find their true abilities by the removal of shame. By celebrating their natural dependence, they will become fully and truly independent.
If any of this touches you, join my Nonviolent Communication Parenting group on Facebook, participate in the weekly practices to make your life beautiful, enjoy the immense support and just have a lot of fun 🙂
If this touches you, and you feel that the connection between you and your children has been lost along the way – choose any of my services and make everything right again. Reconnect, find the love, the empathy and the compassion that you’ve come to miss. Together we can do it – I promise 🙂