Relationships are work, sometimes even a hard work. But when it comes to our state of mind, our children, and partners, this is the most gratifying work of them all, because it directly reflects upon our and their happiness.
My friends, colleagues, clients and even family members often wonder how is it that I am so calm and relaxed. How is it that I fight (almost) no fights; not with my child or husband, nor with extended family. How is it that nothing seems to bother me much, affect me much, trouble me much or take me out of my balance?
The Truth Is…
The truth is, that it wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t always like this. I used to fight, yell, get angry and hurt, disappointed, and insulted. I used to let the guilt get to me, and on some days it came to stay, marring my existence.
But I made a choice. I made that choice with a clear mind and heart to live and love differently. A conscious, deliberate choice to be a happier person, a happier partner, a happier mother, a happier me.
It took years of practice, and I am still learning. Every single day. I learn from myself (how I feel about situations, how I react to situations, what triggers me and how I react to these triggers). I learn from my son (he is the best mirror to teach me what being a human being really means). I learn from my partner, my family, my friends, and my clients, of course.
I study Nonviolent Communication every day. I practice breathing, I practice shutting off my automatic responses, I practice feeling, I practice seeing, I practice thinking, I practice speaking, I practice making choices. I practice not being controlled by my own thoughts.
This constant and ongoing practice empowers my peace of mind, my concentration on what’s really important. This practice empowers me, my child, my partner, and everyone else around me. Whether they are taking an active part or just being in its proximity.
All these years of learning and practice boil down to the following 10 things I do each and every day, to live life for what it really is, to feel, to love, to be. In full presence.
10 Things I Do Each Day To Make My Family Stronger and Happier
- I ask for help. I’ve been doing it since day one. I ask for a glass of water, I ask for help getting up, I ask for help tidying up. This helps make EVERYONE givers and teaches giving through receiving.
- I expect nothing. I am the only one responsible for my needs. Losing the expectations frees my loved ones to give – because they want to, not because I want them to.
- I treat EVERYTHING given to me as the true present that it is. The glass of water, the bit of help, the pure intention. Everything is met with a kiss, a huge hug, and a smiling heart. This teaches that giving IS receiving, and that the joy is mutual.
- I love – for free. Nothing can ever, and I mean – ever – condition my love. No matter what happens, no matter what was said or done – it will never cost my connection, the cuddles, or the bedtime story. These are sacred. This teaches that nothing can ever come between us.
- I respect and accept all emotions. Even when it’s hard, even when I’m tired and out of patience. Emotions are the beating heart of a child. Loving a child is loving all his emotions. This teaches acceptance, coping skills, and resilience.
- I don’t judge. “Amazing”, “lovable”, “my sunshine”, and “my love” are the only words I ever utter after “YOU ARE”. This teaches the freedom to be.
- I don’t interpret. I can’t ever know why someone did something he did; my guess is as good as anyone else’s. I ask. And if I can’t get an answer – I accept whatever happens as is, knowing that my interpretation will only cause ME harm. This teaches the freedom to act.
- I come closer. I never push away. I am always there. No matter what happens. This teaches the real strength of unconditional love.
- I express myself. Authentically. I share my feelings, all of them. I share my desires, and my wishes. I am always honest about what lives in me. This teaches honesty and acceptance of self.
- I let myself be. I let everyone be. Themselves. In their most authentic self expression. Without judgment or interpretation, without expectation, in a world where love is free and all emotions are welcome. In a world that celebrates the power of connection, where every day is the purest, most beautiful present. This teaches peace, love, and nonviolence.
These are the 10 things I do each day to build a strong relationship with my children. These are the 10 realizations I live and swear by, they are my roots in this world. Growing these roots, strengthening them every days allows my family and me to grow, nurture, and care for each other. These 10 practices unite us, make us one, inseparable being. As such – we are unbreakable.
Just like our bond.
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Hi loved your post. I am an Indian woman. Married have one baby boy. Going through a lot these days. Emotional torture from MIL. Very small things but happening everyday every hour. Not in front of my husband so that she remains the good. Basically double faced person she is. Bothering me too much never been with these kind of people before. Seems like i am compromising with my self esteem and respect. Want help please.
Hi Priya, I’m sorry you’re going through this. You need to find that place of love for yourself, in your heart, where you know that you are the very best woman you can be. Operating and living out of that place will allow you to hear your mother’s in law words as her own cry for help. She is suffering. I don;t know why, but she is. And she is taking it out on you, because all this world taught us is to always look for people to blame for our pain. How can I help you?
I have not the right words to describe how I appreciate, agree, believe, and respect these 10 things. I love them all. I’ve never read something that I can’t feel and relate to this much. Thank you! Now that you’ve set the foundation and given me such great ideas, I want to be more deliberate with my children. So good!
Wow Trista, your comment made my day! Thank you for sharing 🙂
Hi
Can u give some tips for handling a misbehaved child
Hi Trista, I sure can! But I’ll need a lot more info to know what you are really looking for. What does “misbehaving” mean to you?
I’m a parent but one of a 30 year old who has a husband, step son , her own baby And another due in June.
My daughter and I were close . I was always involved in all her schooling, athletics etc.
She went off to college did well graduated and got out into this big world and started to work and contribute to society.
She worked for a company then changed to another about 7 years ago well needless to say she became partner and rose up the later quickly. 2 years ago she married the founding partner and that’s when her and mine relationship went down hill. She turne mean , nasty threw me out of her house a few times because I didn’t agree with her. Didn’t allow me any part in the wedding planning nothing.It appears to be that he has gotten into her head and now I’m am just this horrible person that he checks up on to see if I’ve done anything wrong so they both can get on me . She doesn’t even call me Mom any more she calls me by my first name. This hard hitting hurt has been going on since she moved in with him 3 years ago. I never ever had any problems with anyone she dated or their families and now when I visit I’m very quite and all my daughter does now is ask me if I’m ok. Haha.This is suppose to be such a happy time for me but she is so controlling it makes me sick each time I go down there . Please help
Hi Darlene, thank you for sharing this with me. Please check your emails – I sent you an email.
hey there thanks for sharing my husband is putting a lot of strain on me these past few years i have a 8 year old daughter and im doing the same to her as your story always screaming at her she has to help me a lot around the house i know im a bad parent and i do want to change that she needs to be a child again we always used to play games together but im so busy lately i cant even do that anymore i feel so tired i dont feel like playing after all my work during the day she complained at my mom because she doesn’t get the attention anymore its always only her dad and she is starting to act out know please can you help me i want my little girl back
Hi Mariska, your words broke my heart. You are not a bad mother, you are doing everything that you can with what you currently have. Tomorrow can be better, but it can only be better from a compassionate place, where words like “bad parent” can’t exist. If you’re reading my comment, please email me at viki@parentsenlight.com – I will do everything I can to help you and your family reach that better place ❤️
My parents are both deceased now. And guess what? I don’t miss them in the least. They weren’t remotely interested in bonding with their children; taking care of us was just another tedious household chore that made less time for cocktail parties and golf. Anyone as selfish and shallow as they were probably isn’t even reading these suggestions but if you just slightly lean in that direction there may still be time to change before your children decide you’re as boring as you apparently find them.
Mandy wow 🙁 There’s so much pain in your words 🙁 Thank you for sharing.
Wow thank you for sharing your wisdom and very wise words, they have touched something in me. I to will be writing these down. I’m a mother to one son 15, he really is a great kid and he never leaves the house or goes to bed without giving me a kiss & I love you mam…. but I always feel as if I’m not being good enough and not giving enough.
I went through a serious illness in the last year ( in remission ?) but when I was going through it all my biggest fear was how he would cope so when I was diagnosed I said to myself, right Kathy you have 2 choices, 1 being to crumble or 2 being to hit this head on, so I choose the latter and firmly believe it has what got me through this awful time.
Wow I just popped on here and I just got a lot of my chest….maybe someone will read this or maybe not but it sure helped me.
Hi Kathy, wow. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. You definitely have been through a lot… Your son sounds amazing, too 🙂 I wish I could help you evaluate your relationship with your son by your actual relationship with him, rather than your harsh interpretations of yourself. If you could see it for what it really is, if you could see you for who you really are, and learn to appreciate yourself accordingly – you will have a much easier and more fulfilling life. I invite you to email me. I would love to talk to you 🙂