Relationships are work, sometimes even a hard work. But when it comes to our state of mind, our children, and partners, this is the most gratifying work of them all, because it directly reflects upon our and their happiness.
Something about my mindset, and my state of mind, had always been different. I experienced this difference throughout my years. But it wasn’t until I came across one of Marshal Rosenberg’s videos on YouTube, some seven years ago, that I finally “handed-down” with the dictionary to the way my brain works.
Wow.
I suddenly understood why I don’t fight, don’t yell, and manage to keep my balance (almost) at all times. I understood the structure behind the way I choose to parent my children daily. That video was the first step on a journey, still very much in progress, to master Nonviolence as a mindset.
A conscious, deliberate mindset that makes me a happier person, a happier partner, a happier mother, a happier me.
It took years of practice, and I am still learning. Every single day. I learn from myself (how I feel about situations, how I react to situations, what triggers me and how I react to these triggers). I learn from my children (they teach me what being a human being really means). I learn from my partner, my family, my friends, and my clients, of course.
I study Nonviolent Communication every day. I practice breathing, I practice shutting off my automatic responses, I practice feeling, I practice seeing, I practice thinking, I practice speaking, I practice making choices. I practice not being controlled by my own thoughts.
This constant and ongoing practice empowers my peace of mind, my undivided focus on what’s really important. This practice empowers me, my children, my partner, and everyone else around me. Whether they are taking an active part or just being in its proximity.
All these years of learning and practice boil down to the following 10 things I do each and every day, to live life for what it really is, to feel, to love, to be. In full presence.
10 Things I Do Each Day To Make My Family Stronger and Happier
I ask for help. I’ve been doing it since day one. I ask for a glass of water, I ask for help getting up, I ask for help tidying up. This helps make EVERYONE givers and teaches giving through receiving.
I expect nothing. I am the only one responsible for my needs. Losing the expectations frees my loved ones to give – because they want to, not because I want them to.
I treat EVERYTHING given to me as the true present that it is. The glass of water, the bit of help, the pure intention. Everything is met with a kiss, a huge hug, and a smiling heart. This teaches that giving IS receiving, and that the joy is mutual.
I love – for free. Nothing can ever, and I mean – ever – condition my love. No matter what happens, no matter what was said or done – it will never cost my connection, the cuddles, or the bedtime story. These are sacred. This teaches that nothing can ever come between us.
I respect and accept all emotions. Even when it’s hard, even when I’m tired and out of patience. Emotions are the beating heart of a child. Loving a child is loving all his emotions. This teaches acceptance, coping skills, and resilience.
I don’t judge. “Amazing”, “lovable”, “my sunshine”, and “my love” are the only words I ever utter after “YOU ARE”. This teaches the freedom to be.
I don’t interpret. I can’t ever know why someone did something he did; my guess is as good as anyone else’s. I ask. And if I can’t get an answer – I accept whatever happens as is, knowing that my interpretation will only cause ME harm. This teaches the freedom to act.
I come closer. I never push away. I am always there. No matter what happens. This teaches the real strength of unconditional love.
I express myself. Authentically. I share my feelings, all of them. I share my desires, and my wishes. I am always honest about what lives in me. This teaches honesty and acceptance of self.
I let myself be. I let everyone be. Themselves. In their most authentic self expression. Without judgment or interpretation, without expectation, in a world where love is free and all emotions are welcome. In a world that celebrates the power of connection, where every day is the purest, most beautiful present. This teaches peace, love, and nonviolence.
These are the 10 things I do each day to build a strong relationship with my children. These are the 10 realizations I live and swear by, they are my roots in this world. Growing these roots, strengthening them every days allows my family and me to grow, nurture, and care for each other. These 10 practices unite us, make us one, inseparable being. As such – we are unbreakable.
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Hi loved your post. I am an Indian woman. Married have one baby boy. Going through a lot these days. Emotional torture from MIL. Very small things but happening everyday every hour. Not in front of my husband so that she remains the good. Basically double faced person she is. Bothering me too much never been with these kind of people before. Seems like i am compromising with my self esteem and respect. Want help please.
Hi Priya, I’m sorry you’re going through this. You need to find that place of love for yourself, in your heart, where you know that you are the very best woman you can be. Operating and living out of that place will allow you to hear your mother’s in law words as her own cry for help. She is suffering. I don;t know why, but she is. And she is taking it out on you, because all this world taught us is to always look for people to blame for our pain. How can I help you?
Loved your thoughts.
God bless you ☺️
Thank you 🙂
Hi, I know this is a while ago but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I have the same kind of mother in law. It’s not easy because she will always be in your life as long as your husband calls her his mother and you are married to your husband. All I can say is do stand up for yourself. When she is cruel to you, say it’s not right. Don’t let her come between you and your husband. State how you feel, and if she still can’t get along with you, that’s her problem. Again, I know it’s hard. But stop trying to be her friend and start looking out for yourself. Your baby is your baby. Don’t worry about her having control over that.
Priya, I’m sorry about your plight; it’s quite touching.
I feel like you should let your husband in on his mother’s treatment of you and find a way to let him see things for himself.
In the end, you are in the marriage for the long haul, and your peace of mind as well as your self-esteem should be protected.
I have not the right words to describe how I appreciate, agree, believe, and respect these 10 things. I love them all. I’ve never read something that I can’t feel and relate to this much. Thank you! Now that you’ve set the foundation and given me such great ideas, I want to be more deliberate with my children. So good!
Wow Trista, your comment made my day! Thank you for sharing 🙂
Hi
Can u give some tips for handling a misbehaved child
Hi Trista, I sure can! But I’ll need a lot more info to know what you are really looking for. What does “misbehaving” mean to you?
As a mother of two (27 y/o and 17 month old), and a licensed marriage and family therapist, this is one of the best posts I’ve read in a long time! I love, love the intention behind each of these ten! I also pray that I am doing these daily too!
Wow Trista, thank you so much for connecting with my words (and me!) and sharing your observation openly 🙂
I’m blessed to have you here 🙂
I’m a parent but one of a 30 year old who has a husband, step son , her own baby And another due in June.
My daughter and I were close . I was always involved in all her schooling, athletics etc.
She went off to college did well graduated and got out into this big world and started to work and contribute to society.
She worked for a company then changed to another about 7 years ago well needless to say she became partner and rose up the later quickly. 2 years ago she married the founding partner and that’s when her and mine relationship went down hill. She turne mean , nasty threw me out of her house a few times because I didn’t agree with her. Didn’t allow me any part in the wedding planning nothing.It appears to be that he has gotten into her head and now I’m am just this horrible person that he checks up on to see if I’ve done anything wrong so they both can get on me . She doesn’t even call me Mom any more she calls me by my first name. This hard hitting hurt has been going on since she moved in with him 3 years ago. I never ever had any problems with anyone she dated or their families and now when I visit I’m very quite and all my daughter does now is ask me if I’m ok. Haha.This is suppose to be such a happy time for me but she is so controlling it makes me sick each time I go down there . Please help
Hi Darlene, thank you for sharing this with me. Please check your emails – I sent you an email.
I would have loved to see the reply to this post for people that have similar issues 😩
I’m not sure I understand what you mean…
My advice for you to ignore such behavior and get a life for yourself .. having friends, maintain good terms n relationship with outsiders, socialize n self care. What you did for your child was your duty n you did great. What your kid is doing to you is wrong but soon her own kids will do the same. God is freeing you from all emotional bonding from such people n behavior.
Don’t pick up calls , don’t go to her and enjoy your life.. do what you always wanted to do for yourself. .. You are awesome mommy..💐🥰
hey there thanks for sharing my husband is putting a lot of strain on me these past few years i have a 8 year old daughter and im doing the same to her as your story always screaming at her she has to help me a lot around the house i know im a bad parent and i do want to change that she needs to be a child again we always used to play games together but im so busy lately i cant even do that anymore i feel so tired i dont feel like playing after all my work during the day she complained at my mom because she doesn’t get the attention anymore its always only her dad and she is starting to act out know please can you help me i want my little girl back
Hi Mariska, your words broke my heart. You are not a bad mother, you are doing everything that you can with what you currently have. Tomorrow can be better, but it can only be better from a compassionate place, where words like “bad parent” can’t exist. If you’re reading my comment, please email me at viki@parentsenlight.com – I will do everything I can to help you and your family reach that better place ❤️
I am a working mom and wife. I have 3 kids aged 15,10,3 respectively. I struggle with time management once getting home from work and always feel burnt out. As a result, I’m always frustrated and just trying to get everything done. I don’t know how to just let things be and feel the need to make sure everything is perfect, which it never is which leads to me feeling that I’m always failing my family in some or other way. My 3 year old has terrible tantrum and I’m sure these are her way of communicating her feelings to me and yet I don’t know how to handle it calmly and only make it worse.. I have no family support around me and have raised my kids alone as such. My husband is there but like most men, mostly on the sofa or the laptop. I need to figure my life out… And probably just manage my daily chores better…. These 10 things are what’s missing in my life and my attitude… I don’t ask my husband for help because I assume as a grown man and parent, he too can take a share of the chores and caring for the home and kids when we both are home from work. This would therefore mean that I fail at point 2 which is not to expect anything because I expect from him and feel that he purposefully revels against me… I fail at point 3 too because I’m constantly trying to get my kids to do things together because they prefer doing everything without one another. Their age groups are quite big and I feel i need to nudge them to accommodate one another and spend time with each other, therefore I’m not letting them be… I could go on… I would love help implementing these 10 holy grails of life in to mine but don’t know where to start correcting my outlook and attitude…
Hi Zee, thank you so much for sharing. It sounds like the struggle is real in your family and personal life. You’re not failing at anything, you just need to learn how to do things differently, and how to think of things differently. Change is possible, and I would love to help you get your family life back on track. Feel free to email me at viki @ parentsenlight dot com – we can do this 🙂
My parents are both deceased now. And guess what? I don’t miss them in the least. They weren’t remotely interested in bonding with their children; taking care of us was just another tedious household chore that made less time for cocktail parties and golf. Anyone as selfish and shallow as they were probably isn’t even reading these suggestions but if you just slightly lean in that direction there may still be time to change before your children decide you’re as boring as you apparently find them.
Mandy wow 🙁 There’s so much pain in your words 🙁 Thank you for sharing.
Wow thank you for sharing your wisdom and very wise words, they have touched something in me. I to will be writing these down. I’m a mother to one son 15, he really is a great kid and he never leaves the house or goes to bed without giving me a kiss & I love you mam…. but I always feel as if I’m not being good enough and not giving enough.
I went through a serious illness in the last year ( in remission ?) but when I was going through it all my biggest fear was how he would cope so when I was diagnosed I said to myself, right Kathy you have 2 choices, 1 being to crumble or 2 being to hit this head on, so I choose the latter and firmly believe it has what got me through this awful time.
Wow I just popped on here and I just got a lot of my chest….maybe someone will read this or maybe not but it sure helped me.
Hi Kathy, wow. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. You definitely have been through a lot… Your son sounds amazing, too 🙂 I wish I could help you evaluate your relationship with your son by your actual relationship with him, rather than your harsh interpretations of yourself. If you could see it for what it really is, if you could see you for who you really are, and learn to appreciate yourself accordingly – you will have a much easier and more fulfilling life. I invite you to email me. I would love to talk to you 🙂
This is so beautiful. Thank you (on this Thanksgiving day) for sharing your insight, wisdom, and deep love for yourself, your family, and Life! <3
Thank you for reading my words with an open heart 🙂
I absolutely love this! Thank you for sharing, its easy to feel overwhelmed by all the parenting posts on how to be a good parent, and they all contradict each other. This really nails it, these are such great reminders and acts to live by. I can see how it will be a constant practice, but a practice that is so worth the outcome! Thank you again!
I’m so happy you liked it 🙂
Very inspirational. I want to try these. Thank you.
wow what an honest open blog for parents, I am a single mum of 2 amazing kids well not all the time.. lol. I lost my husband 5 years ago to colon cancer and my kids were rather young at the time and because I was in such denial at the time of his illness I think that mb it had some effect on them. We speak openly abt everything even thou I think I am a bit strict on rules and stuff but in this day and age one can never be too careful. My son is 16 and my daughter is 12 going on 30.. We are extremely close because of our relationship as a family of four we did everything together and that’s what they know is family, Just the letting go is a bit of an issue for me and yes I allow my son to go with his friends but within reason and ensure it’s under supervision at all times. My daughter and I are 2 peas in a pod and almost always together which I saw will also have its sell-by date when she’s a full-blown teenager which i should prepare myself for. Just I wonder if I’m being to strict with my son. I personally dont think so.
Thank u so much for sharing!
I was reading the comments, and my heart is hurting for someone of you. ..
I had a horrible childhood. I was literally a slave and beaten regularly. At a very young age I vowed never to treat my children this way. One day, I was about 8 (I’m now 37)I decided I would not suffer Forever. I just needed to get to 18! 18 was freedom for me. A lot has happened, it hasn’t been the easiest life, but the “choice” to LOVE and speak kindly to not only my children but everyone has been the wake up. A SIMPLE CHOICE. Be good to others, that’s it. Some days I feel the horns that raised me wanting to emerge, but I made promises to myself – and though I was treated badly for so long and it’s threaded within, my mood is ultimately my decision, I control it. I hope this helps someone, you don’t know how powerful you are, your children turn to you with complete trust, if they Don’t have you, who the heck do they have??? Just breath – and understand that sometimes you’ll have to take life day by day or even minute by minute, and that’s totally ok.
I absolutely loved this article and found it very helpful. P.S my Mom was the abuser to me and finally in my late 20’s I decided that I would not live in the past and I actually did not hate her despite it all.. I was able to let go. Believe me, I can’t forget, but I can move forward .. and now we are very close and she is close with my kids. This lifetime is filled with trials and lessons. Stay strong and make the choice to be better.
Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing your story. You’re proof that a life of acceptance and peace is possible, even with the hardest histories. I hope that your personal boundaries are kept and respected in your relationship with your mother today.
Always here for you if you want to talk.
I know you wrote this a little while ago, but I just wanted to thank you for it. I reference it often and re-read it often. I’m still working on “re-wiring” my brain to think this way. I know I’m hard on myself as a mother, and it’s a vicious cycle. I’m the lucky mother of 2 kids – my son just turned 4 and my daughter 2. I try so hard to be fun, make sure they have a clean home, the best healthy foods, daily brain stimulation, etc. but I never seem to get it all quite right. I usually feel like I let them down in one area or another. I often compare myself to my own mother, who raised my brother and I by herself and never had her hair undone or a thing out of place in our home. I work everyday to change my thinking and be in the moment, but the more I think about what I haven’t done, the less time I’m actually spending with them. I get caught up in the feeling of failure.
Now with COVID, I feel even more anxiety about keeping them safe. I want them to see a strong, calm, loving, fun mom…but I’m not sure what they see. I know I can be a little over the top with worry when it comes to the health of my family – 2 years ago my husband, 2 year old son, and 4 week old daughter were in a head-on collision with a semi and all 4 of us almost died. So I’m still struggling – trying to banish my own negative thoughts and fears and replacing them with these words.
Wow Kristi thank you so much for sharing bits of your story with me. I can feel your struggle. Don’t hesitate to email me if you’d like to talk. I’m here for you.
Wow Kristi thank you so much for sharing bits of your story with me. I can feel your struggle. Don’t hesitate to email me if you’d like to talk. I’m here for you.
I’m sure you are perfect. Each and every day.
This is just so unrealistic…fantasy land. unless you are on Prozac.
I’m totally and completely imperfect; aiming towards something does not mean I make it work 100% of the time. But I do see that this article rubbed you the wrong way… Why do these ideas of peace and connection scare you so much?
Hello
Thank you for wonderful article. I think when we stop judging and expecting from somebody life becomes easier for us and other person`s too.
I couldn’t agree more 🙂
Hi, when I seen your post I admit I kind of thought this would be a simple 10 things, such as read to them, play with them etc. But what I read was nothing close to that. I try to be a better person every day and with that comes a better momma. I want to thank you. I feel your spirit through your post as crazy as that sounds 😂. Good job
Wow Brandi! Your comment made my heart shine and feel connected to you!
Isn’t connection the meaning of life? 🙂
This is an amazing article. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for reading 🙂
Absolutely beautiful. I bet everyone who reads this wants to come live with you! I pray & I aspire to be like this.
Haha thank you so much!!